


Twisted Perspective

by brage



Category: Emergency!
Genre: Anal Sex, Consensual Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt, Injury, M/M, Medical, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 22:19:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/958252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brage/pseuds/brage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please heed the warnings!!  This is a very graphic non-con story and the aftermath of that event up to 18 months afterwards.  Lots of emotions, lots of feels.  </p><p>Excerpt:<br/>He’d been… raped.  He’d heard Johnny say it out loud and it stung just as much now to think about it.  How many times had he taken care of men in this situation, encouraged them to talk, but each time was given a bullshit story about the cause of the tell-tale injuries.  Now he knew why.  </p><p>This story mostly deals with the aftermath of rape and the ongoing friendship of Johnny and Kel and how that eventually develops into something more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twisted Perspective

 

 

“Oh, what’s this?”  Johnny asked cheerily as the pretty, blonde waitress scooped low in her impossibly tight cocktail server uniform to serve the single drink on her tray to Johnny’s companion. 

“This is from that gentleman over there in the purple shirt.”  She announced pointing to a chiseled, muscular guy with a sickeningly confident grin holding up a tall glass of wine and nodding in Kel’s direction. 

After the blonde walked away Kel picked up the drink and smiled at the man. 

“Kel, that’s a dude.” 

“I’m pretty certain I knew that even from this far away.” 

Johnny’s mouth was open, stunned.  “Well, that’s just…don’t smile at him!  You’ll encourage him.”

Kel looked at Johnny questioningly.  “Why is it such a big deal?”

Johnny leaned forward.  “It’s rude.  You’re here with me.  I mean… “Johnny stammered.  “Not that you’re here WITH me but he doesn’t know that.  Why here?” 

“You’re a guy that’s into the scene.  You know how it is.”

“Well sure I’m into the scene but, it’s not like we’re in a gay bar or anything.”  He made a show of looking around.  “There’s women all over this place.”  He pointed toward the dance floor.  “Guys are dancing with chicks out there.  It’s not…that kinda place.”  Johnny was seemingly agitated. 

Kel took a drink and relaxed back into the leather-covered semi-circular sofa.  He smiled at Johnny.  “Don’t get so bent out of shape about it.  Relax.”

“I’m not bent out of shape.  I just don’t understand how he picked you out.  I mean why you?  Ya know?”

Kel took a deep, patient breath.  “Maybe he knows you.”

“Oh ha ha.  Yes, I’m known as ‘Gay John’ throughout LA.”

Kel laughed.  “I don’t know.  Probably because I’ve been sitting here with a guy for over an hour now and we haven’t even attempted to talk to any girls.  Not tonight, not last night, not last weekend.  We always come here, you and I, but it is very rare that we leave with someone.”

“I never really considered this as a pick up place for me.  I come here to keep you company.”

Kel pointed in the direction of the man smiling at the bar.  “Obviously, you should reconsider.  It’s not stopping him.”

Johnny thought for a moment.  “We always get to talkin’ and I… I guess I just didn’t think about it.”

“I know.  Me too.”  Kel smiled and shrugged offhandedly.  “No big deal.”

“It doesn’t bother you that he thinks you’re gay?”

“No, why should it?” 

Johnny didn’t get a chance to answer before a tall, curly-haired man plopped himself down right next to Kel. 

“Hey.  I’m Steve.”  He extended his hand, keeping his gaze fixed on Kel’s eyes.    

Kel shook the man’s hand and had to chuckle a bit when Steve grasped it tightly and began rubbing circles onto the outside of his thumb.  “Hi Steve.  I’m Kel.  This is my friend Johnny.”

Steve didn’t turn away from his target.  “Hi, Johnny.  So what d’ya say we blow this popsicle stand huh?  I’ve got a room at the Hilton.”

Kel pretended to think for a moment before shaking his head.  “That sounds nice but, I’m going to have to say no.  Thank you though.”

Steve took a moment to kiss the back of Kel’s hand.  “You don’t really have to say no.  I promise you’ll have a good time.” 

Moving closer and reaching out to tap the man on the shoulder, Johnny insisted on gaining the man’s attention.  “Hey, fella.  He’s with me and he said no already.”  Johnny was clearly getting annoyed. 

Steve grinned at his target before raising a condescending eyebrow and giving Johnny the attention he demanded.  “Oh really.  He’s WITH you?”

“That’s right.”

“Bullshit.”  He turned back toward Kel.  

Kel was having a hard time believing he was, in fact, the damsel in this scenario and there were two MEN nearly brawling over him right now.  There were way too many western movies made of this.  It humored him.  He could, however, see that Johnny was not having any sense of humor over this at all. 

Johnny pulled himself forward sitting on the edge of his seat.  “I’ve known this man for eight years, buddy.  He’s with me.”

“Please.”  Steve made a show of rubbing Kel’s hand in his.  “I’ve probably gotten to more skin in the past five minutes than you have in eight years.”

“That’s it.”  Johnny imposed himself directly into Kel’s personal space sitting so close to the man they could be sharing air to breathe.  Without hesitation he wrapped an arm around Kel’s shoulders and proclaimed once again “He IS with me.” 

Kel raised an eyebrow at his friend’s sudden possessiveness.  Now he was just getting pissed.  Shoving an elbow into his friend’s side, he turned toward Steve.  “Hey, look.  Thanks but, no thanks.  Okay?” 

“How about one dance?”  He nodded toward the dance floor where everyone was seemingly having a great time. 

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.  No.”

“Okay, maybe I laid it on a little thick.  Sorry, I would love to stick around.  Buy you a drink?”

Kel was beginning to get concerned that the man would not accept ‘no’ for an answer.  Maybe he should just take his friend’s lead as an easy way out.  “No, I’m here with Johnny.  You know what they say.  Three’s a crowd.”

Steve wore a look of disbelief.  “Really?”

Johnny pulled Kel in tighter and nodded his head vigorously knowing when he should just shut his mouth. 

“Yep, I’m afraid so.”  Kel smiled tightly. 

Surprised acceptance ghosted over Steve’s face.  He stood up to leave.  “No sweat.”  He wore a cat-ate-the-canary grin and walked away like he hadn’t just been rejected. 

Johnny was fuming.  “Cocky fuckin’ bastard.” He stared after the man until he lost him in the crowd. 

“Johnny?”  Kel waited patiently for a moment.  “Johnny!” 

“What!”  It came out much more harsh than he had intended but Kel had his attention.  Johnny was still very much in Kel’s space.  Their faces mere inches apart.  Johnny could feel the sweat break out on his forehead.  Kel’s lips were moving, saying something.  Johnny didn’t know what.  He noticed how red, how soft they looked.  How smooth his skin was. 

“Hello, Johnny… earth to Johnny.”

“Yeah.”  Finally broken from his reverie, the rest of the world came slamming back into ear shot again.

“I said, do you understand?”

Johnny looked lost.  “Sorry?”

Kel rolled his eyes.  “I said, if you and I were together, I would NOT be the girl and if you ever try to save me again like that, I’ll show just how much of a man I am.”

Johnny’s jaw dropped but Kel had already looked away. 

“I don’t think we’re ever going to get lucky in this bar again.” 

Johnny somehow found his voice.  He squeaked.  “Probably not.” 

“You do know that by showing you how much of a man I am, I mean by kicking your ass right?”

“I do now.  Thanks.”  Johnny nodded.  His leg was still brushing up against Kel’s.  The warmth was like an electric current slicing through his body.  “Shit.”

“Yea, shit.”

“You ready to get out of here?”

“Yea, sure.  Let me hit the men’s room real quick then we can go.” 

Johnny nodded and hung his head.  God, what the hell was he thinking? He should’ve just pissed in the man’s shoes and marked his territory good and proper.  Damnit, that was stupid. 

 

Kel walked into the men’s room and noticed Steve washing his hands right away.  Kel smiled and nodded before proceeded to attend to his business.  A short, unkempt man finished and walked out without washing.  Kel shook his head but continued.  He didn’t notice when the man in the purple shirt walked into the room and nodded toward his cohort at the sink. 

“Hey, Kel.”  The two stalked toward him.  “We need you to do us a favor.”

Kel turned to see the duo and knew he was in trouble.  Cutting his business short, Kel zipped quickly and attempted to look nonchalant.  “What can I do for you gentlemen?”

“Well, I hear you’re pretty good at sucking cock.”  Steve grabbed his own crotch obscenely. 

Kel attempted a laugh thinking if he could just play it off as a joke and get to the door, they might let it lie.  They hadn’t gotten to the point of no return yet.  He moved to pass the duo giving himself plenty of room around them to pass, but was stopped by a solid push to his shoulder.  “Look man, I don’t know what you heard, but it wasn’t about me.  I’m not interested.”  When he was stopped again, Kel swung and landed a punch to Steve’s jaw.  Purple-shirt jumped in and had Kel pinned to the wall next to the sink.  A young man walked into the bathroom. 

“Get the fuck out, jackass!”  Purple-shirt yelled at him sending him running right back out again.

Kel attempted to scream “Get the police!” but Purple shirt punched his mouth.  He could taste the metallic tang of his own blood. 

“Don’t fucking scream, you faggot or your boyfriend is next.”

He vaguely heard people opening the door but never saw anyone else make it all the way into the room.  He tried to fight them but the strength of the two of them together was too much for Kel to fend off.  Purple-shirt guy swung around behind Kel and had him gripped under the arms and clasped his hands behind Kel’s head while Steve pounded a few punches into Kel’s gut.  He was spent.  He hurt.  He could barely move.

Soon he felt himself being manhandled into a stall.  He did not want to go into the stall.  With renewed vigor, Kel fought pushing against the frame of the stall, swinging punches, not knowing where they would land.  He felt one kick land solidly against a limb but didn’t know what damage it had caused to whom.  Still he was not freed.  More punches assaulted his side and belly and he was dragged into the small area.  “God, damnit!  Stop!  Just STOP!  I’M NOT WHAT YOU THINK I AM.  I’M NOT GAY.  STOP!”  Soon all he saw was the inside of the stall door up close as he was pushed face-first into it. 

“I need for you to be a good little faggot and keep your mouth shut!  No screaming or it gets worse.  Understand?”

 He could smell the whiskey in Steve’s breath as he spoke directly into his ear.  Kel shivered as he felt a hand undo his belt and pull down his zipper.  On instinct he attempted to grab his pants before they fell down to his ankles but was rewarded with his arm being yanked up behind his back by Purple-shirt and his face slammed against the stall a couple times.  He could feel a trickle of blood fall down the side of his face.

“This is gonna hurt but, you should be used to that, faggot.”  Steve breathed into his neck moving his own clothing aside. 

“Please, don’t do this!”

“I said shut your mouth!”  He pulled Kel’s hair against the force of purple-shirt guy pushing him forward.  His neck craned backward unnaturally.  It hurt. 

 

Johnny sat in the booth sipping his drink slowly waiting for Kel to return.  He was still beating himself up for laying too many cards on the table tonight.  After he had made Captain and was no longer under Kel’s direct supervision, they had become such good friends.  Johnny didn’t want to risk that.  It meant too much to him.  It seemed like the natural progression to become good friends.  Everyone around them was getting married, having relationships.  They were still single and discovered they had many of the same interests when by chance, they met each other at a 15k run for charity a couple of years ago.  Kel had known Johnny was gay before they started hanging around each other, but it had actually been a non-issue.  It was just not really talked about.  Not avoided, just not pursued.

Noticing that Kel had been gone quite a while, Johnny began looking toward the direction of the men’s room.  He noticed men were going in but then quickly coming right back out again, but still no Kel.  Something was wrong. 

 

Kel could feel Steve adjusting himself behind him.  He tried to reposition himself so he wasn’t directly in front of the man.  The whiskey he smelled was making him sick as Steve breathed on him and assaulted him with the most foul words spewing from his mouth.  His head was shoved once again into the door and he vaguely heard someone tell him to hold still.  He felt a distinct, blunt pressure behind him.  “Pleese, stop…STOP!”  He tried to struggle but they held him tight.  He was dry.  It was impossible but the pressure became impossibly more insistent.  He felt a sharp sting and a blinding pain.  “NO!” 

“Yea, that’s gotta hurt you fucking prick tease.  Nice and tight aren’t ya?” 

Kel couldn’t speak or move.  He felt the man behind him moving out then slamming back inside him making his hips hit against the solid door.  He could feel his cock filling, but knowing it was just a natural response to the heightened emotion of fear didn’t make him feel less ashamed.  His entire pelvis was being plundered and slammed and he couldn’t stop it.  ‘ _Just, please let it be quick._ ’  He closed his eyes and held on, waiting. 

Kel couldn’t actually see behind him but he knew Purple-shirt was holding his arm back with one hand and his head against the stall door with the other.  He knew he was bleeding but, didn’t know the extent of the damage being done. 

Johnny recognized Kel’s boots immediately and jumped up on the toilet seat and over the top of the wall into the next stall catching the assailants off guard.  He hovered with both hands on each side of the stall swinging down to kick purple shirt in the chest sending him backwards onto the floor wedging him between the wall and the toilet. He gave him another swift kick to the head to make sure he wouldn’t soon be up to help his friend.  Johnny grabbed Steve’s head and pulled him backward catching him off balance enough that he had to back up and away from Kel.  Kel slunk against the door.  Johnny released the latch and Kel stumbled to the floor pulling at his pants. 

Johnny landed a punch to Steve square in the jaw.  “You need to learn how to take NO for an answer!!”  Johnny punched him in the mouth sending him backwards.    Johnny took Steve by the hair and spoke directly into his face.  “He’s not the FAGGOT motherfucker.  I AM.” 

“Johnny… please.” 

Kel’s voice shook him from his rage.  Immediately he was at his friend’s side.  The paramedic in him took over and began noticing injuries, searching for the source of the bleeding.  He began assessing Kel’s body when he was stopped by shaking hands. 

“Just help me… I have to get out of here.”  Kel begged. 

“We’ll call the ambulance.  They’ll be here soon.  Just hang in there.”  Johnny tried to sooth the man.  

“NO!  I’m not going to the hospital.” 

Johnny noticed the two assailants coming toward them once again out of the corner of his eye.  He was just about to attempt a head-on attack when a group of men came bursting through the door laughing.  Momentarily stunned at the sight before them, they each stood motionless processing their next step. 

“Someone call the police and one of you come over and help me.”  Johnny decided to give them something simple and within their power to do rather than tell them, ‘stay here and save us from these rapists.’  They complied easily.   

One of the men snapped out of it before the others and assigned his buddy the task of getting a security guard before the young man ran off on his search.  Steve and purple-shirt guy followed him out the door shortly afterwards knowing they needed to beat feet before they were arrested. 

“Whoa man, is he okay?”

“I’m fine.  Help me out of here, Johnny.  NOW.” 

Johnny stood and helped the man to his feet.  Kel had already fastened his pants but there was still too much blood on his clothing and he could see fresh blood soaking through.  They could make it out of the club but he’d have to get the doctor to the hospital soon.  Very soon.  Kel stood shakily and guarded his left side with his arm.  Johnny wrapped his arm around the injured man and assisted him through the club and into the back seat of his car, laying him carefully down on the seat. 

Johnny burned rubber pulling out of the parking lot, putting as much distance from them and that club as quickly as he could with every intention of heading to Rampart. 

“Johnny, take me to my house, okay?”  Kel’s raspy, rugged voice reverberated in Johnny’s ear. 

Johnny sighed.  “Bullshit!  I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“NO, I said take me to my house.  PLEASE.” 

“Kel, that’s stupid.  You’ve been raped and you’re hurt.  You need medical attention right now.”

“I’m a doctor.  I can take care of this myself.  Take me home.”

“Don’t pull that ‘physician heal thyself’ crap on me.  You need medical care.  I’m taking you to Rampart.”

“Fine…drop me off.  My car is there.  I’ll drive myself home.” 

Johnny resigned.  He turned left when he knew damn well he should, without a doubt, turn right.  “I will take you home and I will take a look at you when we get there but, if I see anything that makes me worry, we’re calling for an ambulance.” 

Kel silently nodded his head and let his eyes close. 

 

For a few moments Kel tracked the car’s movements then heaved a relieved sigh when Johnny had progressed in a direction distinctly toward Kel’s house.  He didn’t care about the familiarity of it; he trusted Johnny would keep his word and take him home.  He couldn’t be seen in the condition he was in at his own ER.  Nobody would ever look at him with respect again. 

He’d been… _raped._   He’d heard Johnny say it out loud and it stung just as much now to think about it.  How many times had he taken care of men in this situation, encouraged them to talk, but each time was given a bullshit story about the cause of the tell-tale injuries.  Now he knew why. 

Adrenaline not the pain killer it first was, Kel took more notice of his injuries.  He felt the sting of an open wound at his forehead and lip and felt the knot of swelling in both areas.  Those were easy to take care of.  Raising his arm up made him aware of a soreness in his right shoulder and arm.  A flash of memory assaulted him as he saw his own arm being wrenched backward by his attackers.  The memory caused him to gasp. 

“Kel?”  Johnny was half turned in his seat still driving down the familiar road.  “Doc, you okay?  You need me to pull over?”

Kel sat himself up a little bit, resting his head on the door handle willing the memory to leave him alone.  “No, I’m fine.”  _‘Damnit!  I’m fine.’_  

“Almost there, Doc.”  Johnny continued to drive.

Kel stared at Johnny a moment.  For two years he had been simply “Kel” to the man but, now suddenly he’s “Doc” again.  Was Johnny so disgusted he could no longer speak his name?  Was he telling him to buck up, “you’re a doctor for christ’s sakes?” 

Refusing to think about Johnny for the moment, Kel went back to cataloging his injuries.  His abdomen was sore but he didn’t think he’d been punched hard enough to cause serious injuries.  Besides, if anything inside had been lacerated, he would probably know it by now.  Probably.  He felt a stinging on his right knee and noticed a patch of blood soaking through his pants.  He could still move it though.  The last of his injuries he refused to acknowledge for the moment even though it was making itself known with each pulsing throb.  Nothing he could do in the car and he had no idea the extent of the damage. 

He felt the car come to a slow stop and watched as Johnny walked around the car and opened the door.  Kel looked at the familiar surroundings, relieved.  “Thank you, Johnny.”  He gingerly moved toward the open door.  “I’ve got it, I’m okay.”  The pain limiting his ability to get out of the car, he relented, letting his friend help him.

“Don’t thank me yet.  I still don’t know what we’re doing here.”

Kel pulled away from his friend walking to his front door on his own accord.  To Kel, Johnny sounded like he was threatening to scoop him up and take him to Rampart.  He didn’t need Johnny’s help.  “You can go anytime now.” 

“I can’t just go.  I won’t.  I’m not trying to piss you off.  I just don’t see how you’re going to treat yourself nor should you.”  Johnny stared at Kel’s backside as he moved toward the door.  “You belong in the hospital and I have no doubt that’s where you’ll be before this night is over.”  Johnny moved in to help but was met by anger. 

Kel used his key quickly and let them into his house slamming the door behind them.  “You’re not calling the shots Johnny.  It was my ass…“ He took in a deep breath and looked away making a pointed effort to keep himself under control.   “I don’t need you telling me what I’m going to do.  I’m staying here!”  Kel was angry.  “The only way I’m leaving here is in a body bag!.  GOT IT!” 

Johnny raised his hands in surrender shuddering at the thought.  “Yea, I got it.  Nobody’s making you go anywhere.” 

Kel rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed at Johnny placating him.  “I’m taking a shower.”  Johnny moved in to help him up the stairs but was met by the same steely glare.  “Alone!”

Johnny took a step back and held a non-threatening stance with his arms out.  “Kel, I’m not trying to call the shots but you have to give me some leeway.  I can’t leave and I can’t let you deal with this alone.  You have a head injury.  Just that in itself is enough reason to keep me here.  I can’t leave until I know you’re okay.” 

“I’m not concussed, Johnny.  I can do this without any help.  I know what I’m doing.”

“Yea, but it’s the mother hen in me.  Humor me, please.”  Johnny gave him a crooked smile.  He really did not want to threaten to call the police if Kel kicked him out of the house.  He knew he’d be keeping his friend safe but it would cost him his friendship. 

Kel moved silently toward the stairs.  The first step up and he had to clutch the bannister to prevent himself from dropping to his knees in pain.  He took a look at the long staircase.  He didn’t want to be touched at all, let alone by Johnny, but he had to get himself to the sanctuary of his room.  Warring with himself, he finally gave in.  “Fine, help me then.” Sighing, he motioned for Johnny to join him. 

“You got it.”  Johnny placed a hand on Kel’s hip as Kel put his arm around Johnny’s shoulders.  “Are you sure you don’t want to file a police report?  I don’t think this is the first time these guys did this.”

“I’m not calling the police.  It’s not happening,”  Kel insisted. 

That sounded pretty adamant so Johnny let the subject drop.  The trip up was slow at best.  “You doin’ okay?”

“It’s just my damn knee.  I bruised it pretty good,”  Kel explained. 

Finally they made it to the master bedroom and walked directly to the adjoining bathroom.  Kel grabbed a towel from the rack and set in on the commode before he sat down taking his trousers down at the same time.  He sat gingerly listing to one side.  His pants made it as far as the knee before Kel couldn’t bend any further without irritating other injuries.  He hissed in pain and Johnny was right there supporting Kel’s leg and finishing the job of taking the pants off along with his socks and shoes. 

“Looks pretty bad.”

“Yea, but does it look broken?” 

Johnny palpated the area and moved the leg side to side, up and down which caused a bit of moaning from his patient but, didn’t elicit a full out scream.  “It needs x-rays, I think.”

Johnny wasn’t satisfied with the diagnostic test but Kel definitely was.  “Nonsense.  You’re taught to say that.  It needs an icepack.”

Johnny sighed.  “Where’s your medical bag?”

Kel shook his head.  “I’m okay, Johnny.  Stop hovering.  I just need some ibuprofen, a shower and an icepack…” He attempted to shift his weight but jolted with pain. “…or two.   Can you turn the shower on before you step out?” 

“I just want to do a quick neuro check on you.  That’s all.”  He pointed to Kel’s head.  “You’ve got a goose egg sitting on your forehead there.”

Kel blinked slowly.  “I’m not concussed.  No nausea, no dizziness, no loss of consciousness.  It’s just probably a wicked looking head lac.”  He looked at Johnny silently begging him to leave him alone.  Knowing the fastest way to see that happen, Kel resigned.  “Bottom drawer of my nightstand.” 

“Alright.  Be right back.”  He returned with the standard black bag and opened it.  Johnny knelt on the floor next to Kel.  After fishing around inside the bag, he came up with a small pen light and clicked it on.  Approaching Kel slowly, Johnny placed a hand behind Kel’s head and flicked the light at his pupils noting their response and size.  He held up a finger directly in front of Kel’s face.  “Follow my finger without moving your head.”

“I know how it’s done, Johnny.”  Kel obediently followed Johnny’s fingers as he moved them up, down and side to side. 

Johnny finished the neurological exam and moved back pressing a clean cloth to the split lip.  “What else hurts, Kel?”

Kel flinched.  “Nothing.  I’m fine.”  He sat forward on his seat taking the cloth and pressing it to his lip on his own. 

Johnny sat on the edge of the tub a few feet away.  “You don’t have to tell me about the injuries I already know about.  Just tell me everything else.  Okay?”

Kel  nodded.  “My shoulder is sore and they punched me in the gut a few times before you got there.”   He looked up to Johnny expecting to see the look of disgust he probably had for him.  Disgust that he wasn’t even man enough to defend himself.   Johnny just nodded and patiently waited for Kel to continue.  “My hips are sore, my lower back hurts.”

Johnny attempted levity.  “So pretty much your toes feel fine and that’s it?”

Kel tried to smile but didn’t have it in him. 

“Can I take a look at what’s under your shirt?”

Irritated and needing so much to just get clean, Kel shook his head.  “I just want to take a shower.  I really do.” 

The defeat in Kel’s voice made Johnny hurt.  “No problem.  I’ll turn the water on.”  He stood and moved to the stand up shower in the corner of the room.  He turned the knob and felt the water coming from the shower head.  “It’ll be warm in a minute and I’ll leave you alone.  I promise.”  Johnny walked back toward Kel slowly.  “In the mean time though, while the shower is getting warm, could I see what kind of injuries you have under your shirt?  Leave your boxers on.  Just your shirt.”

“Johnny don’t do that fucking ‘I come in peace’ dance with me.”  He began unbuttoning his shirt but when shaking fingers wouldn’t cooperate he simply grabbed a fistful of shirt on each side of his chest and pulled sending buttons everywhere.   He wadded up the material and threw it aside to join the pile of garbage he already had going.  He raised his right shoulder up and down and around in circles.  “See, it’s fine.  Just stiff.” 

Johnny moved forward placing a hand on his shoulder and one on his forearm feeling the joint and muscles moving under the skin.  “Okay.”  He kneeled down in front of Kel on the floor once again.

“Johnny you’re not going to get a good abdominal assessment until I’m lying down.”

“I know.”  He placed a palm just under Kel’s ribcage eliciting a jump and a sharp intake of breath. 

“It’s just sore.  I don’t think anything major is going on.”  He felt Johnny push a little harder in the area.  “Johnny!  Stop.  I’ll look at it after I take a shower.  The water is warm by now.  Just go.  Please.” 

Johnny stood, frustrated.  “Okay.  I’m going.  I’ll be right outside that door if you need me.” 

“Fine.”  Kel waited until Johnny left the room before he stood.  He noticed the door was pulled but wasn’t all the way shut.  Kel pushed it shut and locked it.    Johnny would just have to break it down if he thought he needed to get in.  The steam of the water rose from the stall making the room foggy.  He stepped under the water and peeled off his boxers finally getting a preview of the extent of the damage to his bottom.  God, it hurt.  It stung, it throbbed.  He tossed the boxers across the room with the rest of his clothes from tonight.  He was just about to pull the glass door shut when the memory of that stall door being closed and him being shoved into it flickered in his brain.  Shaking his head clear of the memory, he closed the door.  The water wasn’t hot enough so he adjusted the knob.  Steam rose in bigger waves.  Kel wished there was enough fog to just make the rest of the world disappear. 

  It was bad enough that this happened to him.  He was strong, he could deal with this.  He wanted to tear those two guys apart with his bare hands but if he had just been alone when it happened, he could have just handled it.  But it happened in front of Johnny.  Even though he knew it was nowhere near over by the time Johnny came in after him, he couldn’t stand the thought that his friend saw him slammed against a bathroom stall, helpless, while some strange guy did that to him.  He was nothing.  He was powerless.  Never before in his entire life had he ever felt powerless.  But he was tonight and his friend was forever a witness to that.  How could he still be here?  How could he stand to look at him?  He was such a… victim.  A weak, helpless, powerless victim. 

Running out of hot water, Kel finally dried off and wrapped himself up in his blue robe and put a towel around his neck.  The water in the shower had run clean for quite a while before he’d gotten out so he knew the bleeding to all his injuries was under control.  He was able to assess his injuries in better detail while he was showering although he’d have to admit that he wasn’t very thorough with himself.  He didn’t care.  He wasn’t going to die.  Belly injuries have a funny way of getting better eventually or steadily worse with time.  As long as he didn’t get worse by morning, he’d be clear.  Johnny, however was in full paramedic mode and Kel didn’t think he’d be able to handle being his patient.  Hesitating at the door, he placed a hand on the knob and closed his eyes a moment.  He didn’t want to talk or be touched.  He wanted to just go to sleep.  Peaceful oblivious sleep.  He hoped Johnny got smart and just left him alone.  He opened the door to find Johnny waiting for him sitting on the edge of the chair in his bedroom.  He sighed and waited for Johnny to come to his side as he knew he would do without asking.  Being careful not to aggravate the injury to his knee, they slowly made it to Kel’s bed.  “Johnny, you can go.  All I’m going to do is sleep.  Please, just go now.” 

Kel knew the answer before he actually heard the words “No way.” 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kel sighed.  “What do you want Johnny?” 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”Johnny moved in with peroxide soaked gauze and cleaned Kel’s facial wounds.  The pressure on the open area caused some stinging but, Kel barely took notice. 

“And me telling you I’m okay isn’t going to do the trick, right?” 

“I’d feel a lot better if I could finish looking at you.”  Johnny placed neat rows of butterfly tape on the laceration over his right eye.  The lip didn’t need further treatment. 

 _‘And we all want YOU to feel better._ ’  Kel shook his head.  Knowing if he didn’t comply with the minimum amount of Johnny’s requests he would call in the cavalry, so Kel acquiesced begrudgingly.  It was taking an extreme effort to be civil.  “And then you’ll leave?”

“Well…no, actually I thought I’d sleep right there in that chair tonight.”  Johnny pointed at the wingback chair in the corner of the room. 

Kel looked at the chair.  He remembered buying it and had made a point of having a chair that was not easy to fall asleep in for reading.  “You cannot sleep in that chair.  Just go home for christ’s sake.  I’m fine.”

“No, not for a million bucks,”  Johnny insisted calmly.

Kel rolled his eyes and attempted to get into bed himself.  Frustrated at not being able to get the job done on his own, he let Johnny pull his leg up onto the bed as he pushed his body against the pillows. Johnny took a pillow from the other side of the bed and placed it under Kel’s knee.  He’d also gotten an icepack from downstairs apparently, placing it on top of a towel over Kel’s injured leg. 

Kel looked up at Johnny, again, hoping he would just go.  “Thanks.” 

“No problem.” 

Johnny stood there waiting for Kel to give him permission to examine him.  Johnny was exhausting.  “Hand me my stethoscope.”  Kel pointed toward his bag as he pulled the covers up around him. 

Johnny pulled the instrument from the bag but pulled it up around his own neck and moved closer to Kel.  “I’ll listen if that’s okay.”

“Do you think you’re so much better at examining a patient than I am?”

Johnny shook his head.  “I absolutely don’t.  I think you might just hear what you want to hear though.  I’m a little more objective.” 

“I’m not a liar.”

“Nobody said you were.  I said you can’t be objective when you treat yourself.” 

Kel sunk down into his pillows.  “I just really, really want to be left alone.  I need to go to sleep.”

Johnny kneeled next to the bed to make more direct eye contact instead of looming high over the man.  He knew he couldn’t force Kel into this but he needed to make sure things weren’t going to get worse over night and he hoped that the doctor in Kel would understand that.  “Doc, honest, I will tell you everything I’m doing.  I just want to take a look at your belly and… I really need to make sure you aren’t torn badly.”

“Damnit, stop calling me that.  You can’t call me Doc and then refuse to let me be one in the same sentence.”

“You’re right.  I’m sorry.”

Kel willed himself not to vomit as Johnny talked about looking at him.  He didn’t think he could do that.  He closed his eyes intentionally stopping himself from pulling the covers up over his head and pretending the world didn’t exist.  The anger and the bile were rising up quickly. 

“If you would rather have Dr. Early come, I could call him… or someone else?”  Johnny wasn’t sure if Kel had issues with him specifically or being touched in general.  He was almost sure Kel would be the same no matter who was here but it wouldn’t surprise him if Kel would be particularly disgusted with Johnny now.

“You’re not calling anyone else.”  It was a demand, a rather stern, don’t-fuck-with-me order. 

“Okay.”  ‘ _C’mon, give me another option then.’_   Johnny implored silently. 

“I already… took care of the other area.  You don’t have to look there.  If I was torn too badly I would be bleeding into my gut in which I would notice by examining my belly.”

“You might not be torn on the inside but there might be a tear that needs stitches.”

“I already looked damnit!”

Johnny resigned to the limited exam.  “Okay, okay.”  He fished the blood pressure cuff from the bag next to him.  “Is it okay if I take a set of vitals?”  At Kel’s nod, Johnny pushed the robe back and slipped the cuff around Kel’s arm.  Once he got the numbers he needed, he pulled the stethoscope out of his ears and slipped his fingers down to the pulse point on Kel’s wrist. 

“Well?”

“Pulse is 102, respirations are 20 and your BP is 140 over 80.”

“Well then I’m not bleeding internally.”

“Heart rate is fast.  Blood pressure is a little high.”

“So?  Left over adrenaline.  It’ll come down.”

“Can I look at your belly?” 

Kel put his head back into his pillows and pushed the covers down to his waist. 

Johnny moved closer.  “I’m going to move your robe aside.”

“Johnny, I know.  Would you quit treating me… like that?  It’s pissing me off.”

“I’m sorry.  I just didn’t want to startle you.” 

“Trust me.  I’m completely aware of your presence.”  He scrubbed a hand through his thick hair.  “Just… look, listen and feel.  In that order.”

Johnny knew how to do an abdominal assessment, of course, but, if Kel needed to give orders, he’d simply follow them.  He didn’t see any bruising.  That’s a good sign.  He put the stethoscope back in place and listened to the upper quadrants of his belly.  He needed to move the blanket out of his way, though, to listen to the lower quadrants.  He pulled the blanket lower making Kel flinch and instinctively grab for it again.  “Whoa, it’s okay.  Just me.  Listening.”

“SONUVABITCH!”  Kel dug the heel of his hand into the side of his head, frustrated.   “Okay, short line it.”  He pushed in at various spots on his abdomen quickly.  “Nope, no rigidity.  Must not be bleeding inside.”  He pulled up the covers to his chin and laid flat.  “Exam over.  If you feel the need to call an ambulance, go right ahead.  I’m not going anywhere so if you need to waste their time, be my guest.  If you call anyone else, you can walk out the door and never come back.  If you must spend the night, you can sleep in the room across the hall, not in my chair.  I’m going to sleep.  Turn off the lights on your way out.” 

Even though he hadn’t gotten through a very thorough examination, Johnny was satisfied that he’d gotten to the major points.  From what he had completed, Kel didn’t seem in immediate danger.  Since the door had been virtually slammed in his face, he decided he should probably leave the man to rest.  It was a simple request.  One that he’d have insisted on long before now.  Still worried about what his friend’s night was going to be like, Johnny stepped out turning off the main light but leaving the bathroom light on.  He also left the bedroom door open as well as the guest bedroom door across the hall.  “Just holler if you need anything.  I’ll be here.”

Kel squeezed his eyes shut.  He didn’t acknowledge Johnny’s promise.  He didn’t even move.  Why the hell should he care that Johnny was here?   If Johnny hadn’t gone caveman on him in the bar, these guys might not have done what they did.  Johnny pretty much served him up on a platter.  This should have never happened to Kel.  He didn’t deserve this.  If anyone did it was… No, nobody did. 

Johnny had saved him.  It could have been so much worse.    He could still smell the stale whiskey, cold feel the hopelessness of the situation.  He couldn’t break free.  Before tonight he’d felt like a man able to take care of himself.  Until, his manhood was ripped from him for what?  What reason did these men have for making him, a vibrant, alive healthy man, into nothing more than… a child.  What? Because he had rejected Steve’s advances?  Big deal!  Why?  Kel saved lives every damn day of his life.  He was a skilled physician and he helped people.  He didn’t ride in on the coat tails of an angel, he just did the job he was educated to do and he treated people, all people, the way he would want to be treated.  Kel wasn’t gay anyway but, even if he was, how dare they!!  How fucking dare they take him like that!!  What the hell right did THEY have?  His anger enveloped him.  His stomach was churning, the bile rising in his throat.  He knew if he started to vomit, Johnny would come barreling in and insist on staying in the room.  He took deep breaths and breathed through the nausea.  He took a sip of water that he noticed on the nightstand.   Apparently, Johnny thought to bring that up too while he was in the shower.  He was grateful for it.  Slowly, the feeling dissipated. 

Kel sighed.  He was never getting to sleep at this rate.  He could feel his knee throbbing, his ass throbbing.  He was in too much pain to sleep and his anger wasn’t helping the issue.  If someone in his position came to him for treatment, he’d give them something to help them sleep or at the very least something for the pain.  Rolling over, painfully, Kel grabbed his bag off of the floor and easily found the pills he wanted.  Slippery slope it was, providing oneself with such medications, but, he had no choice really.  Kel silently justified that he would only provide as much to himself as he would to any other patient.  He wasn’t about to sit and stew in anger all night.  He begged oblivion to come. 

 

Johnny woke just after dawn even though he had only halfway fallen asleep, too intent on listening for his friend should he need him,  he’d still probably gotten much more sleep than Kel had.  Tossing the covers aside quickly, he strode into the room across the hall as quietly as he could on the off chance that Kel was finally able to sleep.  He was taken aback by Kel’s appearance in his bed.  The cover laid tussled half on, half off, his knee was still on the pillow but the ice pack had broken creating a huge puddle.  His right arm, the sore one, was straight out to the side while the other was haphazardly thrown up over his head collecting drool that trailed down disappearing into the arm of his robe.  Johnny thought he looked a little too asleep sending alarms ringing in his head.  He was at Kel’s side immediately checking his pulse at his neck.  Kel didn’t move.  “KEL!”  Johnny tapped his cheeks eliciting a moan.  “Kel, can you hear me?”  He noticed the bottle sitting on the nightstand.  Johnny cursed when he read the medication label.  “Kel?  How many did you take?”  He continued to arouse the sleeping man. 

“Ssstop.”  Kel mumbled. 

“Open your eyes for me Kel.  C’mon, man, wake up.”  He pressed his knuckles into Kel’s sternum.  Much more encouraged when Kel came at him swinging, Johnny fended the blow easily and watched Kel sit up, slowly recognize where he was and who was in his room before he fell back into the pillows. 

“Go’way.”  Kel adjusted his position in bed pulling the covers up to his chin.  It had to have been a dream.  The pain he was avoiding last night though was slowly making itself known once again.  ‘ _Damnit, leave me alone.’_

“Kel?  How many did you take?” 

Johnny sounded like an annoying buzz in his ear.   He didn’t usually give insects the time of day so he surrendered once again to the sleepiness.   A bright light shone directly in his eye woke him up again.  “Fuck!”  He sat up again cursing at Johnny.  “What the hell do you want?”  He sat up and dangled his feet off the side of the bed acquiescing to Johnny’s insistence that he wake.  He reached for his water on the nightstand.  “Oh, that’s right, you’re here to save me.  I forgot.”  He took a sip and glared at Johnny. 

Taken aback by Kel’s sudden vehemence straight out of lethargy, he shook off the apparent insult.  Kel had every right to blame him.  “I’m sorry, I saw the bottle and you were so far gone, I thought…“

“You thought what?  That I’d try to off myself?”  He slammed the water glass back down and picked up the medication bottle tossing it to Johnny hating the fact that the man wasn’t completely wrong about his thought process.  “Did ya look inside?”

“No.”

“No.  I took one, Johnny.  One.”   Another change in position caused him to hiss in pain and quickly recover again dismissing Johnny’s looks of sympathy.  “I was sleeping.” 

“Okay.  I’m sorry.”  Johnny took position at Kel’s side to assist but was met with anger. 

“I’ve got it.”  Kel seethed.  Defiantly he made it to his feet and into the bathroom on his own slamming the door for privacy. Johnny had thought he would attempt to kill himself.  Any other day, that would be a ridiculous thought.  He wasn’t so sure anymore though.

Kel heard Johnny yell through the door.  “Don’t go downstairs without me, Kel.  I’m gonna see watcha got in the kitchen.  I’ll be back in a few minutes. It took every fiber of his being not to tell him to ‘fuck off.’  He was tired of appeasing Johnny.  Sick of succumbing to his demands with the continual threat of calling someone else into the maelstrom and chaos of his life.  He also didn’t know where all the hatred toward Johnny was coming from.  They’d been close friends… they are close friends.  He concentrated on his morning tasks.  Johnny was not unreasonable.  Kel was just hurt, tired and angry.  It would get better.  Today would be better.  Everyday would be better, he kept telling himself. 

Kel took a look at the stranger in the mirror.  His reflection barely resembled the man he was yesterday.  He could blame it on the bruising, but that wasn’t it at all.  He was a stranger.  He wasn’t the same man he was yesterday.  Yesterday.  It wasn’t that long ago.  He’d woken up at about this time, had some coffee, and gotten ready for work.   It was a normal day spent doing his job with people he loved and looking forward to spending time with his friend. 

He brushed his teeth, going through the motions mindlessly, angrily.  It had been the second shower he’d let the hot water run cold, never feeling it was hot enough. 

Once he’d gotten into a loose pair of sweats and a large t-shirt, Kel made his way downstairs.  He was not going to be Johnny’s patient any longer than he had to.  He needed time to himself.  He also hated the thought of being alone. 

 

“I thought you were gonna wait for me.”  Johnny busily finished breakfast preparations in the kitchen.

“I did it myself.”

“I see that.  The knee feels better?”

“It’s fine.”  Kel grabbed a cup of coffee and sat slowly on a stool at the breakfast counter in the kitchen.  He opened the newspaper and began reading.

Johnny served a plate full of eggs, bacon, fried potatoes and toast. 

Kel eyeballed the plate for a second and went back to his paper.

“Look, Kel, I’m so so…” His tirade was immediately stopped before it even picked up momentum.

“Stop!”  Kel faced him directly.  “I mean it, Johnny.  I’m not talking about this.” He turned back to his newspaper picking up a piece of toast as though eating was a consolation prize to Johnny.

Johnny felt another door closing on his face.  “Okay.  I won’t push.  I just wanna help.”

“Not talking is a huge help,”  Kel stated angrily.

“Alright.”  Johnny attempted to eat his breakfast, but was having a hard time concentrating on food at the moment.  “If you don’t mind though, what are you gonna tell them at work?”

Kel shrugged.  “I won’t be able to work for a while on this knee.  I’ll think of something.”

“Oh.”  Johnny was sort of counting on one of the doctors taking one look at Kel’s appearance and his limp and insist on taking a look at him but, that didn’t look like it would happen now.  “Well, are you just gonna call off for a couple days or take a leave of absence?”

Irritated, Kel answered.  “Can I just not think about it today?  Just one day?  Can I just not think about more than my newspaper for one day?”

“Sure.  Yes, I’ll leave you alone.  Promise.”  Johnny sat silently scrapping at his food.

Kel could feel the awkwardness between them and just wished he had the heart to send the man on his way.  Truth be told, he didn’t have the nerve to do it either.  Knowing Johnny was across the hall last night had made him feel protected to a degree.  He admonished himself for feeling that way.  It was frustrating.  He was a man.  He’d been able to protect himself all these years and now he felt vulnerable and targeted like a lame animal waiting to be preyed upon by the hunter.  He wanted Johnny there but he also did not.  _‘Just one more day.  One more.’_   Kel thought. 

Finally Johnny got up and vacated the kitchen.  He knew Johnny’s first instinct was to do the dishes but, he was trying to give Kel some space and he appreciated the elbow room.    

 

Kel spent his morning attempting to keep busy in the study.  He tried reading, paying bills, catching up on paperwork from his office, but he just could not focus on anything.  He could hear Johnny putzing around the house and every once in a while he would come in like he had something to say, but would take a look at Kel and turn right back around.  Kel knew Johnny had to be frustrated.  He had a distinct inclination to help but was refused at every turn last night and today.  Johnny never got frustrated enough to leave his friend’s house though, as frustrated as he might have been.  Kel was grateful Johnny didn’t bring it up.  He didn’t want to have to ask him to stay. 

When yet another sharp pain assaulted him with a simple change in position, Kel winced shoving his knee into a nearby footstool which caused him to practically see stars.  He was seething.  Frustrated at the awkwardness between him and his best friend and the constant pain, he decided he’d been awake long enough. 

“Johnny, I’m taking a sleeping pill and going to bed.  You can answer the phone if you like, or don’t.  I don’t care.  I just don’t want to talk to anyone today.  No one, okay?”  Kel proceeded to head toward the stairs. 

Johnny caught up with him easily.  “Do you want me to take a look…”

“No.”  Kel fired and kept walking.

“Is there anything … “

“No.” 

Johnny stopped mid step and sighed.  “Do you want me to stay, Kel?”

Kel stopped his ascent.  He turned feeling the color drain from his face.  Kel waved at Johnny and continued to slowly climb the stairs.  “Do what you want.  Stay.  Go.  I don’t care.” 

Kel was at the top step when he heard “Well, do you want me to wake you for lunch?”

 “No, please don’t.  I’m not hungry.” 

“Okay, but I’m most definitely waking you for dinner.”

Kel waved then closed his bedroom door. 

 

Fear gripped him tight.  He ran as fast as he could but something was still hot on his tail.  How many of them, he didn’t know.  He ran, his lungs begging for relief, his chest burning.  His heart pounded against his chest in rapid succession.  They were gaining on him, barreling down on him.  He wasn’t fast enough.  He couldn’t get away.  He couldn’t see anything but he knew it was there.  Pounding against the ground harder and harder, he had to get away.  A grip suddenly clamped down on his ankle and he fell to the ground….NO!!!!!!

“Kel, it’s me, it’s me…..wake up… it’s just me, Johnny.  You’re okay.  You’re at home.  You’re safe.”

Stunned and consumed by fear, Kel backed up away from his friend pulling the blankets with him.  A moment was spent reorienting himself to where he was and how much of his fear was caused by a dream and how much was reality.  Finding those answers in the pain that was making itself known quickly and not liking those answers whatsoever, Kel became frustrated and angry once again. 

“You okay, Kel?  It’s Johnny.  You’re at home.  It’s Saturday still.” 

Pushing the blankets aside, Kel burst from his bed far quicker than he should, and lashed out at Johnny.  “I know exactly where I am and what day it is.  It’s the day after I …” Kel clamped his mouth shut quickly.  He pulled his hand through his thick hair.  “What do you want?  Why did you wake me AGAIN?”

“I told you I would wake you for dinner.  It’s dinner time.  And you were having a nightmare.  I didn’t want to scare you but, I thought I should wake you out of it before you hurt yourself.”  Johnny explained. 

It was dinner time already.  It only felt like his head had just hit the pillow. 

“It wasn’t the first time I’ve woken a buddy from a nightmare.  Happens all the time at the station.”

Kel was rubbing a hand over his face when he heard Johnny.  It made him stop and look at his friend with furrowed brow.  “What?” 

“Well, everyone has their own rescue gone bad that comes back to haunt them every once in a while, their own demons.  Everyone gets them.”

“Right.”  Rolling his eyes at Johnny’s attempt to make him feel better, Kel went into the bathroom and shut the door.  He could hear Johnny prattling on about dinner but he didn’t care about what was on the menu.  Didn’t care if there was a menu.  He wasn’t hungry and couldn’t remember ever feeling hungry.  He stood at the sink staring at the toothbrush a moment.  He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and just had no desire to see that man again.  He mechanically brushed his teeth and rinsed for several minutes with mouthwash.  Deciding he wouldn’t feel human until he was completely clean, he turned on the shower and stripped off quickly. 

Pounding on the bathroom door caught his attention suddenly.  He was sitting on the floor in his shower the luke warm water continuing to pummel his body from overhead.   He could hear Johnny’s voice inside the bathroom not muffled by the door.  “GET OUT!!!”

“Okay, okay!  I’m going.  Just tell me you’re okay and I’ll go.” 

“I’m fine.  Get out, Johnny.” 

How long had he been sitting there?  He didn’t remember.  Apparently it had been a while.  The hot water was just about gone.  He’d only meant to suds up, rinse off and get out so he could make like he gave a shit about what Johnny had made for him for dinner.  He wasn’t hurt.  Well, not more than he already was.  His head felt no worse.  How long had Johnny waited before he came back up to check on him?  How many times did Johnny knock on the door before he decided to open it? 

After he heard the door click shut, Kel got out of the shower and dried off wrapping a towel around his waist.  He noticed the pile of clothing he had taken off last night were gone.  All the towels he had used and the sheets he had slept on last night were gone.  He also noticed for the first time that there was a distinct smell of bleach in the room instead of the putrid smell of blood.  He dressed and made the long journey downstairs again.

 

The smell of seasoned beef permeated the air.   It didn’t smell distinctly bad, it just was not appetizing at all.  Kel took his seat at the head of the table next to Johnny and immediately reached for his wine glass taking a large gulp.  He swallowed it bitterly even though he instantly recognized that the liquid was not what it was pretending to be.  He glared at Johnny. 

“I didn’t think wine would mix very well with the medications you’re taking.  It’s grape juice.”

“I figured that out.”  He watched as Johnny loaded his plate with Italian beef, mashed potatoes and cooked carrots.  “Johnny, that’s enough.  I’m not that hungry.” 

“Well, you’ve had exactly one piece of toast, six cups of coffee and two valiums all day and sometimes eating is not about being hungry.  It’s about getting what your body needs.  You need food.  Eat.”  Johnny insisted before tackling his own plate. 

Kel picked up his fork mentally calculating how much he’d have to eat to appease Johnny enough that he wouldn’t worry for his health or call Joe.  He could probably get away with foregoing the potatoes altogether.  Starches were not a necessary staple. 

“I left a message for Roy.  I’m hoping he can cover my shift tomorrow.”

Kel looked at his plate.  “If you’re doing that for me, don’t.”

“It’s no big deal, really.  I’m not ready to leave yet, that’s all.”

“Johnny, go to work tomorrow.”

“Really, Doc, it’s no big deal.”

Kel reigned in his frustration.  He knew he’d already abused the man enough for one day.  “Johnny.  Go. To.  Work.  If you don’t leave me alone now, I’ll never feel like I can be alone again.  I need you to go to work.  Go, get on with your life.”  He still would not make eye contact but he hoped Johnny wouldn’t take this insight as an invitation to talk about it because that still was not happening.  He just wanted Johnny to understand the real need he had for privacy.  He was afraid to be alone but he also knew the longer Johnny stayed, the longer he would want him to stay. 

Johnny took another bite of his food.  “I’m trying NOT to talk about it, but if I’m going to work tomorrow, I need to know that it’s okay to leave you.”

Kel mechanically took another bite of food and waited for Johnny to continue. 

“Can you tell me why you didn’t answer the bathroom door when I knocked?”

“I didn’t hear you.”

“Any conscious person would have heard me.  Did you fall or pass out?”

“No… I was just… thinking.”  He lied. 

“Kel?”  He waited for his friend to look up at him.  “Did you lose time?  Were you aware of how much time had passed?” 

Kel’s face twitched.  God, he hated that twitch.  He knew his friend knew him enough to know that it would automatically do that if he lied, was under too much stress or was worried.  Well Johnny would just have to color him stressed because he was going to lie anyway.  “No and yes.  In that order.” 

“Uh huh.”

That was the most condescending ‘uh huh’ he’d heard from Johnny.  So they both knew he was lying.  “I don’t have to answer to you.  You’re not my doctor.”

“Then who the hell is?  Tell me and I’ll fill him in.  You want me to stay, you want me to go.  You don’t want to let me examine you but you know you have symptoms that would make anyone worry.  I know damn well you wouldn’t let me get away with any of this.  You don’t want to talk but I’m the only you’ll talk to.”  Johnny stood suddenly making Kel flinch.

Kel struggled to keep his composure.  It was too much.  What the hell did he want him to say?  That he was angry, that he was frustrated, that he felt weak and vulnerable, that he was sore and hurt in places that men shouldn’t hurt, that he wished this hadn’t happened to him, that all he wanted to do was go back to bed and pull the covers up over his head and pretend this hadn’t happened?   Did he want him to be honest with him?  Or did he just want to hear that he was dealing with it appropriately and that he was going to be just fine, good as fucking new any second now? 

Johnny sat back down slowly and sighed.  “I’m sorry.”  He reached out his hand to touch Kel’s but Kel removed it from the table.  “I am sorry, Kel.  I know you heard what I told them… last night… and I… am so sorry…”

“Get out Johnny.”  Yeah, he’d heard what Johnny told them.  He’d heard.  This wasn’t about Johnny though. 

“Kel, I just… do you understand how guilty I feel?  I want to help you.  I want to make this go away for you.  I feel like…”

“You feel?  I don’t give a shit what YOU feel!!!!  I’m NOT talking about this.  GOD DAMNIT.  I’M NOT FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS!  HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO HEAR THAT?”  Kel rose to his feet throwing his napkin on his plate.  He stormed out of the room knowing Johnny would be hot on his heels.  “Go!  Get out.  Go to work.  You have to leave.”    He grabbed Johnny’s keys from the foyer table and tossed them toward a surprised Johnny.  He opened the door in silent invitation for the man to go through it and finally slammed it closed locking the deadbolt behind him. 

He stormed into the kitchen not knowing where he was going or why he was going there.  The pots and pans along with assorted other ingredients and equipment were strewn about from dinner preparation.  He walked over to the sink and got himself a glass of water drinking it quickly and filling it again.  He turned around taking in the sight and taking in the mess that was his life and not feeling like it was even his anymore.  Anger enveloped him and he chucked the glass of water across the room as hard as he could, sending shards of glass everywhere.  Not completely satisfied, he swept his arms across the stove and the counters sending kitchen sundries about the room violently.  When the entire area was about as painted with various liquids and splattered with pieces of broken things as it could possibly get, Kel sank to the floor attempting to physically get as low as he felt.  The anger melted to greif and despair. 

 

Kel had no idea how long he stayed on the kitchen floor, but he woke up alone and empty.  He looked at his bloody hands and feet and tracked his way slowly back up into the shower.   

Once he had cleaned up and gotten his bleeding hands and feet under control, he momentarily thought about calling Johnny to help him stitch the wounds.  Deciding that they weren’t bad enough to have to deal with explaining the kitchen mess or his injuries to Johnny, he took out his bag once again and did the best he could.  Getting angrier at his limited ability to move and his limited ability to fix the cuts, he tossed down another valium and returned to his safe haven.  Sleep. 

 

“So let me get this straight here for a second…”  Detective Gibbs said questioningly.  “…you want me to find these two nondescript queer guys…”

“I told you they were big…”

“Ok, sorry, these two big queer guys who you know are having sex with other queer guys…”

Johnny was beyond frustrated talking to this man.  “I said they were RAPING other guys!”

“How do you know?  They could’ve just been having a rough, manly go ‘round.”

“I saw them!”

“OH, you saw them but, you have no victim, no injuries yourself, and no clue who they were.  You’re a nice guy, Johnny.  Why do you give a shit about a couple a homos?”

Johnny sighed.  ‘ _I’m a fucking homo you prejudiced prick!’_   But he couldn’t say that aloud.  Not and still keep his job.  “So homos deserved to be raped?” 

“Hey, I never said that.”  The detective ginned and shrugged his shoulders though which pretty much shouted out loud that that was exactly how he felt. 

“You’re not even going to try to catch them are you?  Since the victims are ONLY gay people, who gives a shit right?”  Johnny turned and stormed out of the precinct even more frustrated at man’s inhumanity to man than when he walked in.  He didn’t know what kind if world he lived in anymore. 

 

This time, instead of being caught, Kel dove off the edge of a cliff to avoid it.  He was falling.  He snapped awake just before he met the bottom of the rocky canyon.  He was covered in sweat, he was breathless.  He sat on the edge of the bed running his hands against his face.  The next thing Kel became aware of was the level of sunlight filtering into his bedroom.  With surprise, he looked at his clock.  Noon.  How the hell could it be noon already?  What day was it?  Had to be Sunday.  If not, his phone would have been ringing off the hook and he didn’t hear that.  Noon, on Sunday.  Holy shit! 

He took a look at the wounds he had caused last night to his hands and feet.  He didn’t feel any additional embedded glass nor were the areas bleeding.  Just looked like crap and stung a bit.  Comparatively, they were the least of his worries. 

The day was already half over.  He’d have to think about the rest of the week.  Not wanting to have the phone call looming over his head, Kel picked up the address book lying under his phone and found the number he needed.  Dr O’Brian, Chief of Staff at Rampart General, answered on the second ring. 

“Hey, Doug. It’s Kel.”  He tried to sound as normal as he possibly could while he was unloading a pile of lies. 

“Kel.  Good to hear from you.”

“Thanks… good to hear you too.”

“But, you didn’t call me at home on a Sunday to tell me that.  What’s up?”

“Listen, I uh… there was a death in my family.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Kel.  Is there anything I can do for you?  Was it someone close?”

“Well…” He thought for a second about who he should say.  He didn’t have any grandparents left.  “My grandmother.  She lives in Arizona.  Doug, I’m gonna need some time off.”

“Oh?  How much time?”

Kel paused.  He might’ve said a couple weeks just to have some leeway but he didn’t want to push the man.  “Maybe a week, probably less.”

“Kel, are you alright?  You sound… funny.”

“I’m fine.  I uh… just found out about it so…”  He let the sentence hang hoping the man wouldn’t question him further about his supposedly, newly dead grandmother. 

“Are you at home?”

“Yea.”

“I’m coming over then.  I’m only a couple blocks from you.”

“NO!”  Knowing his protest came out entirely too harshly, Kel attempted to backpedal.  “No, I… was just on my way out.  I don’t want you to waste a trip.  Spend time with your family on your day off.”  He was rambling.  “I’m just going to be in and out all day making arrangements and getting errands done before I go.  I’ll be very busy.”

“Alright, you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine.”  He tried his hardest not to sound irritated.

“I’ll talk to Joe and see what he can get done in your absence.”

“I’ll have the monthly reports to you before I leave.  I have most of my work right here at home now.  I’ll get things done tonight and send them by courier to your office.   He shouldn’t have much to do.  You won’t even miss me.”

“We’ll be running short one amazing emergency physician.  We’ll miss you, alright and I’m gonna play hell appeasing your head nurse in your absence.” 

“I’m sorry.  I’ll talk to her before I leave.”  He didn’t want to talk to Dixie.  He was trying to avoid that specifically, but he knew the comment was geared at making sure Kel would do just that. 

“Go then and take care of your family and yourself.  Take the time you need and then get back home.  We need you.”

“Thanks, Doug.  I appreciate that.” 

With guilt, Kel hung up the phone.   He hated lying especially since he was so cosmically bad at it.  He didn’t see any other way around it though.  He couldn’t go to work and he couldn’t tell them why.  Not able to face another phone call at the moment, Kel got up and headed toward the bathroom. 

 

Kitchen cleanup wasn’t very hard since he decided he’d just throw it all out.  It would be easier to clean it now rather than explain the mess whenever someone inevitably showed up at his house.  He thought about who might come over.  He knew Johnny would eventually.  That was a given.  Joe.  Shit.  Doug would naturally call him today and Joe would call him out on his lie. 

As if Kel had been a clairvoyant, the phone rang.  He let the machine pick it up.  It was Joe. 

“Hey, sorry to hear about your grandma… that died back when you were 12.  That’s pretty rough.  Don’t worry, I didn’t rat you out to the big guy.  Whoever she is, she got you to take a vacation so I’m not pissed.  Be prepared to talk details when you get back though.  Have fun and Bon Voyage.” 

Good ol’ Joe.  Solid and dependable.  “Would that it were true buddy.”  Kel attempted to bury his head in the paperwork waiting for him in the study.  It had to be done today and turned in tomorrow morning or his cover would be blown.  With determination, Kel busied himself. 

 

Monday evening Kel strolled slowly down the steps still quite aware of the reason for his speed, or lack of.  He had set the reports packed in a thick padded envelope on the front porch and called for the courier to pick them up.  After he had seen the boy pick them up and go, Kel had returned to his slumber. 

Passing the blinking answering machine, Kel made his way through the house into the kitchen.  He stood in the doorway not knowing why he was there.  He certainly wasn’t hungry.  Something cold sounded good.  Not realizing how thirsty he was, Kel slung back the entire glass of water quickly and placed it in the sink.  The evening sun was peeking through the windows casting an orange glow.  He could see people in their yards across the street.  Occasionally a car would glide past making his neighbor put a hand up and wave and smile.  Somehow the normalcy just felt misplaced. 

Glancing at the pestering answering machine, Kel approached and pushed the button. 

“Kel, it’s Doug.  You told me you’d call her before you left.  You didn’t call her.  I hope your flight went well.  Hurry home.”

Kel felt guilty again.  He wanted to call Dixie, but he just couldn’t have that conversation.  She knew him too well.

“Kel, I know your home, man.  Just let me come and sit with you.  I’m sorry about yesterday.  I won’t… just let me come over.  Please.”

No point, Johnny.  Just move on already.

“Kel, just letting you know that I got the Dixie situation taken care of.  She wasn’t buying the grandma bit either.  I told her you went on a humanitarian aid mission in Mexico.  I think she bought it.  You know how she gets when she’s not in the loop.  All of a sudden NOTHING is right in ER.  Doug says I have to attend the Med Exec meeting this afternoon.  Man, do you owe me big.”

That I do, my friend.  He smirked at Joe’s antics.  No way had Dixie fallen for that either. 

“Kel!  What the hell is going on?  As if being here on a Monday isn’t bad enough, I come into work and I’m a doctor short, my supplies are out and nobody seems to have the requisition for them, a nurse called in sick at six forty-five this morning, thank you very much, O’Brian has no answers as if I’d expect anything less from that jackass and Joe is giving me some song and dance about you being on a mission to Mexico.  Total crock of bullshit.  Whatever you’re doing, get on with it and get back here mister.  Soon isn’t soon e…”  The machine cut her off.

Kel didn’t want to be the person standing in the same room with Dixie when she heard the beep.  

“Kel, just call me please.  It’s after noon.  I know you’re awake by now.”  There was a pause.  “Just call me.”

 _‘Fucking Christ, move on._ ’  Kel pushed the button to erase all of the messages before heading back up the stairs. 

 

Johnny hung up the phone once again.  It was the second message he’d left that day and about the tenth call he’d made to Kel.  He knew Kel was avoiding him.  Probably blamed him for all of it.  Hopefully his last message would get the response from Kel he was looking for.  He needed Kel to know that he wasn’t giving up on him and he wouldn’t go away. 

Johnny finished dressing and turned his lights off as he made his way out the door.  He would find these guys if he had to hit every nightclub from here to Nevada.   The police obviously weren’t interested in the case so, he’d just have to find justice on his own.  He would not be able to live with himself if he knew this was being done to other people and did nothing about it. 

 

On Tuesday, Johnny left a message that he would call Joe and drag him over to the house if he didn’t hear from him soon.  On Wednesday, knowing Johnny would be at work, Kel left a message on Johnny’s answering machine to tell him he was still alive. 

After his shower early on Thursday morning, Kel walked down to the kitchen.  He heard the muffled sound of a knock on the back door.  It made him flinch a moment, but then he remembered he was expecting the delivery.  He handed the boy some bills and took the paper sack.   Ripping the bag in his haste, Kel doled out two tablets and chased them down with a gulp of water straight out of the kitchen faucet.  The much more insistent pounding at the front door made his heart skip a beat.  He made his way quietly to the living room carefully giving himself just enough room to see through a sliver in the window.  It was Johnny.  He walked over and pulled the door open not waiting for the man to enter before he turned and walked away. 

“I’ve been calling you forever.”

“Yea, I know cuz I’ve been ignoring your calls forever.”  He walked into the study knowing Johnny would be assessing his every step. 

“What happened to your feet?”  Kel turned around and waved dismissively.  “And what happened to your hands?”  Johnny moved in to grab Kel’s hands.  He sounded irritated. 

Kel pulled away and sat down in his chair bringing his feet up to rest on top of the desk.  “Hello, Johnny.  How the hell have you been?  Long time no see.  How’s tricks?  How was work?  How is life treatin’ ya pal?”  Kel said bitterly. 

Johnny sighed and moved closer.  “What happened to your feet and hands, Kel?”  These weren’t here when I left.”

Kel tossed his wrist back and forth making a show of his injuries.  He had just changed the bandages that morning after his shower.  He knew what he was doing and he didn’t appreciate being lectured to or treated like a child.  “Oh, I walked into a door.” 

“In other words none of my fucking business, right?”

“Hey, take your pick.”

Johnny sat down in a leather chair against the wall.  He looked worn out and exasperated.  “When do you go back to work?”

“Monday.”

“Think you’re ready for it?”

“I will be.”  What choice did he have?  Of course Mexico was sounding better every moment. 

“How’s the knee?”

“Better.” 

“Have anymore blackouts?”

 _‘Jeezus…it wasn’t a blackout.’_   “Nope.”  He didn’t tell him he’d hardly been awake long enough to see if they had recurred in the past five days. 

“Have you eaten breakfast yet?”

“I was just about to raid the kitchen when you got here.”  Kel snapped.

“I guess that’s a no.”  Kel saw him visually assess him head to toe.  “And my guess is that you’ve hardly touched food all week.”   Johnny rose and walked out the door.  Kel could hear him in the kitchen.  He stayed put not caring about what Johnny was doing in there.    

 

Soon Kel was being wakened by a hand on his shoulder and food sitting on the desk in front of him. 

“Eat.”

Kel knew better than to refuse.  He knew he was walking a fine line and Johnny could at any time, pull the plug and call Joe or Dixie or any one of several possibilities and the show would be over.  He had to perform some semblance of recovery and normalcy in front of this man.  He hated being at his mercy but that was the fact and Johnny let him get away with way more than he would’ve allowed if the roles had been reversed.  He took a calming breath willing his stomach not to reject the sustenance.  He also took a calming breath and actively attempted to speak to Johnny in a more civil tone.  Plus he was just so tired of being angry all the time.  It was exhausting.

“Thank you.”  He saw the surprised look on Johnny’s face. 

“You’re welcome.”  Johnny sat in the chair with his own plate of scrambled eggs and toast.  “I saw the bag in the kitchen.  Did you take two valium this morning, Kel?”

“Yea, I… just… I couldn’t sleep, Johnny…”

Kel could barely keep his eyes open even though he tried like crazy to eat the eggs.  He had gotten no more than three bites in when he felt Johnny come closer. 

“Kel?” 

“I’m just so tired.  Don’t be mad… I’m just so tired.”  Kel tried to stand but Johnny caught him before he fell.  “M’okay… just need….need sleep.” 

Johnny guided him to the nearest sofa where he slept until late that evening.  Johnny stayed with him the entire time.  Before long Kel was sitting upright again wondering what the hell he was doing in the living room on the sofa.  He remembered Johnny being there and then waited for the man to make his appearance known and start the lecture. 

As if on cue, Johnny walked in with a tall glass of ice water and handed it to Kel. 

“I’m not going to force you to talk about anything but this isn’t right, Kel, not by a long shot.  You cannot expect me to look the other way while you systematically self destruct.  You need to talk to someone.  You need help.  Help that I can’t give you.  You’re not dealing with this.  You’re burying it.  That’s no way to heal.” 

“No.  YOU do not get to lecture me about healing.  NO.”  He stood ready to flee the scene.  Johnny stood in front of him ready for that.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing.  Just go.  You did your thing now it’s time for you to leave.”

“Oh yes, it’s time to kick me out again because god forbid we talk about anything.”  Johnny was obviously fuming.

“I can’t talk about this, Johnny.  Not EVER.  Why don’t you get that?  There is nothing to talk about.  It happened.  It’s over.  Time to move on.”

“Well, if you were moving on that might be one thing.”

“Johnny, get the fuck out!  I won’t listen to you lecture me.  I’m not an invalid or a child.  GO!”

“Son of a bitch!!  I’m beginning to see a pattern here, Doc.”  Johnny grabbed his jacket and headed toward the door.  “I’m here if you wanna talk.  Call me anytime.”    Johnny opened the door and looked back.  “If you need anything, you can call me.”

Kel rolled his eyes and walked away.  He grabbed his pill bottle from the kitchen counter and went upstairs. 

 

 “Hey Cap, you have visitors.”  The young fireman, Brad Heidleman, announced before leading the two familiar faces into his office.

“Good morning.”  Johnny smiled at the two.  Having a feeling he knew what the visit was about, Johnny got up and shut the door and came back to perch on the edge of his desk.  “Sit down you guys.  Good to see you.” 

“Good morning, handsome.  You’re a sight for sore eyes.  We were just talking about you yesterday and decided we’d stop in and see you.” Dixie flashed her bright smile. 

“You were?  Why?”

 Joe Early answered the question.  “Actually, we wanted to talk to you about Kel.  Have you noticed anything … I don’t know… crazy with him?  He is just not acting himself.”

“Why do you say that?”

Dixie chimed in.  “He’s angry, he’s hostile, he’s impossible to work with… my nurse’s are complaining, the patients are complaining.”

“I think it has something to do with his trip.  Do you know where he really went?” 

Johnny had a confused look on his face.  Not that he didn’t have any answers but he had none he felt he could share with them.  It just wasn’t his place.  He wished he could though, he really wished he could tell them everything right now. 

“He’s got a small cut on his face and something on his lip but he’s evasive when I ask him about it and sometimes I catch him favoring his right leg but he refuses to let me look at it.  I don’t get it.  If he got into a fight or something, why wouldn’t he tell me?”

“I… I don’t know…” 

“He’s borderline abusive, Johnny. This just isn’t him.  Do you know what’s happened?  We just want to help him.”  Dixie begged.  “He isn’t the same man as he was before this… trip… wherever he went.  Something happened.  I know it.”

Johnny had heard enough.  Perhaps in telling them, Kel would get the help he needed.  They needed to know.  Kel needed for them to know.  He wasn’t getting better.  He was lost and obviously Johnny wasn’t the answer to his problems, as hard as he tried. 

The klaxons sounded sending the men of the station whizzing through to their vehicles and Dixie and Joe away with no more answers than they had before they’d walked in. 

 

Joe looked down the hall at the entourage entering through the ambulance bay.  The first man had been badly beaten according to Station 36s paramedic duo.  It looked odd though that the man carrying his IV bag was Johnny and he was dressed in regular clothes.  The other two victims bore superficial wounds and were handcuffed to their gurneys followed closely by a couple of police officers.  Joe didn’t need to be a detective to figure out who was the victim and who were the assailants.  He just had no idea how Johnny figured into this.  Coming closer to the ensemble, he discovered Johnny hadn’t exactly walked away clean either so it wasn’t simply a case of bad timing. 

Carol stepped in. “He’s going into treatment 4.  Those two can go into Treatment 6.” 

Joe stepped up to Johnny grabbing the IV bag from him.  “I’ve got it, go get checked out.”

“I will doc.  Listen, this is an attempted rape case okay.  Take it easy on him.”

“Got it.”  He turned to Carol.  “Get Kel. I’m gonna need some help with this.” 

“Sorry Doc, I’ll find Morton for you.  Kel isn’t coming near any of these patients.”

Joe looked at Johnny questioningly. 

“He can’t.  Trust me.  He knows those two guys.”  Johnny hated saying as much as he did but he had to.  He knew it.  He had tried to keep this news from them but there was just no possible way to hide it any longer, despite knowing Kel would probably be furious with him.  “He can’t be involved with these three patients.  No way.” 

Understanding dawning, Joe held himself together and entered the room where he was needed, looking back to Johnny with a haunted look before plastering on the consummate professional face the victim needed. 

 

Dixie and Kel entered the hall from another room oblivious of the commotion that had just occurred.  “I know Kel, I know.  I’ve been a nurse for a few years now, I think I got that.” 

“Well than it shouldn’t be too hard to get it done right.”  Kel was hot on her heels. 

Dixie smiled when she saw Johnny despite being publicly berated by the doctor behind her.  “Hey!”  Her smile quickly turned to a frown when she noticed the shape he was in.  “What the hell happened to you?"

He eyed Kel who he noticed was giving him the once over as well.  “I got into a run in with a door.”  He said knowing Kel would understand it. 

“Johnny Gage, what happened to you?”  Dixie was in her no-nonsense mood.  He knew that tone very well. 

“I was with the cases 36 brought in.  Attempted rape on the guy in 4 with Joe and the two assailants are in 6 with Morton.  I kinda got a little kicked around myself a bit.” 

Detective Gibbs stepped up to the desk.  “John Gage, you stupid shit, you go all half-cocked and almost get yourself killed…”

“That was your choice.  I didn’t have one.  They had to be stopped.”  Johnny held his left arm close to his body and winced as he wiped his brow and came back with blood on his hand. 

“Next time you try to play detective on my watch, I’ll have your hide.”

“Well, then next time do your job and I won’t have to do it for you.”

Dixie stepped in.  “You’ll be better off talking to the guys in 6 right now.”  She gave him the look sending him on his way. 

Kel made a scribble in the chart he was holding and slammed it back into the rack.  He looked at Dixie.  “Two open?” 

She nodded her head.

“Let’s go.”  He motioned for Johnny to move down the hall.  Once inside the room Kel moved to the other side of the table.  He paced like a caged animal.  “Take off your shirt and sit down.”

Johnny complied, jumping easily onto the table. 

Kel came around to the front to face Johnny.  He glared at him like he was pissed.  “What did you do?”

 “I did what I had to.  It was nothing.”

“Left arm?”

“Yes, left arm.  Now what’s going on?  Why are you pissed?” Johnny demanded.

“Nothing is going on.”

“Really.  How about that scene out there?”

“What scene.  I don’t like working with incompetent nurses.”

“Ow!  Jeezus Christ Kel.  You did that on purpose.”  Johnny yanked his arm away from the doctor and jumped off the table.  “Dixie?  You’re saying Dixie is incompetent?  Listen to you.”

“I haven’t cleared you yet.  Get back up there.”  Kel demanded.

“You need some control in your life is that it?”  Johnny sat back on the exam table.  “You can boss me around if you need to but stop pretending that you’re fine.   You are so far from fine you don’t even remember what that feels like.”

“Shut up.” 

“I’m not gonna shut up.  And you’re gonna listen.”

“Or what?” 

“Or what?  Kel, you’re not fine.  You’re here every day pretending to be normal but nothing is and you don’t know why.  You go through life not talking about it but it’s all you think about.  If you’re awake you’re here getting more people pissed off at you and if you’re not here you’re home sleeping off another valium buzz.  That’s not dealing with it.”

“GOD DAMNIT SHUT UP.”  Kel scrubbed a hand through his hair.  “YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT IT?  ABOUT HOW MY LIFE HAS BEEN COMPLETELY LEVELED?”  He took in a sharp breath.  “About how you saved me from something that could have been SO much worse and all I can think about is how much I hate you for it.  About how much I hate that this was done to ME.  I know what you said to those guys.  I know what you told them and who you are and every time I look at you I see…. Damnit.”  He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down his cheek.  It was like a dam had been broken.  “I look at you… and I see… the person that this should have happened to.  And I hate myself for feeling that way.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone… especially not YOU but I look at you and I know what you said and I know why they did this and I… I can’t stop thinking that they… they got the wrong guy.” 

Johnny wasn’t stunned.  Actually he’d been wishing the exact same thing since it happened.  He moved toward Kel and placed a hand on his shoulder.  “I know.  It’s okay.” 

“We can’t all be heroes like you, Johnny.  Jumping in, laughing in the face of danger.  What a man.”  Kel’s tone was biting cold.

“What in the hell are you talking about?  I did exactly what you would’ve done and you know it.”

“Do you know that, Johnny?”  Kel stepped away.  “Do you look at me and see the hero, the man, the guy who does the right thing?”

“Of course I do.”

“I don’t see that.  I used to, but I don’t see that anymore.  I look in the mirror and I only see this… this thing that happened and I get angry all over again.  And then you are always calling and coming over and I… I look at you and… and I’m so grateful that you got to me, but there is this anger that won’t let me see anything besides… GOD, I’m a mess.  The world keeps moving forward and I can’t stop seeing THEM and YOU… and I can’t get out of that FUCKING bathroom stall.” 

Johnny forced eye contact upon Kel.  “You’re not alone.  I’m here.  I’ve been here.”

Kel nodded knowingly.

“And I told Joe.”

“Shit.”

“ I had to.  You need him and you need Dixie too.  We’re all your friends and we’re gonna help you through this.  You will get your life back.”

Kel laughed.  It seemed like such a simple thing but so out of reach right now.  Kel slumped down on the nearby stool, shaking his head.  He sat there a few moments pondering over the conversation Joe would insist on having with him.  The thought was making him a bit nauseated, but also somewhat relieved.  He sighed as though the weight of the world had just been taken off his shoulders. “You really got them?”

“Oh yea.  James Bond couldn’t have kicked their ass any better.”

Kel gave a smile that Johnny could see came from Kel’s eyes.  It was great to finally see his friend again.

“Let’s go see if either one of them needs a good proctological exam.”

“Yes, at least one.” 

Kel leaned into his friend emotionally and physically exhausted.  Johnny wrapped his arms around him and let him fall apart.  It was about damn time. 

After several moments, Johnny pushed back a little and took hold of Kel’s face wiping away tears.  “Kel, we are going to have at least one nurse and two doctors in here as soon as those three patients are stabilized.  Are you up for this now or do you wanna get out of here?”

“Oh, uh… Joe is gonna be pissed at you.”

“Trust me, he already is.  It’s you I’m worried about.”

“I’m not up for this today.  I need to get out of here.”

“You got it.  Let’s go.”

“Your arm?  You’re gonna need stitches on your eye.”

“Na, just an icepack.  It’ll be fine.”

“I’ll look at it later.”

“Much later.”  Johnny moved to the door and checked the hallway.  He spotted a nurse and told her to let Dr. Early know that Dr. Brackett would be leaving for the day and would call in tomorrow.  She nodded and busied herself with other duties.  Kel and Johnny made their way to Kel’s office for his keys and left through the main entrance at the end of the hall closest to Kel’s door. 

 

 

The escapees walked into Kel’s house to the sound of the telephone ringing.  Johnny answered it.

“Hello.”

“Johnny, what in the hell are you doing?  I need to see Kel, I need to examine him!  You have no right to…”

“Doc, c’mon!  It happened two weeks ago.  There is nothing you could be doing for him tonight physically that can’t wait until tomorrow, but emotionally, he’s exhausted and needed to get the hell out of there.”

Joe sighed.  “Fine, but I want to see him tomorrow.”

“I’ll bring him in myself.”

“And he’s taking some time off.”

“I couldn’t agree more.  I don’t think he’ll have a problem with that either.  Good night.”

“Goodnight, Johnny… and tell him…”

“Yea Doc, I will.”

 

The two sat in the living room in front of a warm fire at opposite ends of the couch.  Johnny sported 6 stitches above his eye and had an icepack on his left shoulder. 

“I could’ve helped you get through this.  I’d know what to do to help you.  I would have had the answers.  I don’t have them anymore,”  Kel sighed forlornly.

“What would you tell me to do then?  If it were reversed?”

“I would… I’d never let you get away with half the shit you’ve let me get away with.”  Kel smiled.

“I know!”

“I’d make sure you had support at home and a strong network of people to help you.”

“You mean like you, Roy, Dixie, Joe?”

“Yeah and I’d make sure you saw a therapist.  Tim Masterson, actually.  He’s dealt with this kind of situation before and he’s a great guy.  Very empathetic.” 

“You have that phone number?”

“Yea, Johnny, I got it.”

“Okay, just checking.”

A few minutes of comfortable silence went by before Kel spoke again.  “I can’t believe you went after them.  You’re like Batman or something.”

Johnny laughed.  “I don’t look good in blue tights though.”

Kel reached over and patted Johnny’s hand lying across the back of the sofa.  “It’s good to talk to you again, my friend.”

“Same here.”

 

“Honestly Tim, I feel like an idiot still coming here.  It’s been months, I’m back to work, and those assholes are behind bars.  I’m doing fine now.”

“Mm hmm.”

“Oh, for the love- Tim, I’m fine.  What was that about?”

“I think it’s interesting that you think your fine.”

“Why is that so interesting?  I am fine.  No more memory flashes.  I have an occasional nightmare, but not the night terrors I had before.  Work is great.  My friends are great.”

“Which friends?”

“Johnny and I are getting together later.  He has a ranch out in Carson backed up against a mountain.  We’re gonna take the horses out camping for a couple days next weekend.”

“Oh?”

“Jeez, nobody can say make a single word sound like such an accusation than a damn shrink.  What does that mean?”

“You spend a lot of time with him.”

“He’s my best friend.  So what?  Should I feel badly about that?”

“No, not at all.  Tell me how you feel about that?”

“About what?”

“Well, when we first started you felt guilty that you wanted the rape to have happened to him instead of you.”

“No, I didn’t WANT it to happen to anyone.  I said if it would have happened to him rather than me, I would’ve been able to help him more than I can help myself.”

“And you felt guilty about that.”

“Yes, I felt guilty because… because I wasn’t as… prepared for it.”

“You mean like a gay man would be?”

Exasperated, Kel stood scrubbing his hand through his hair.  “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then explain it to me.”

Making eye contact once again, Kel perched on the end of the couch finding the words he needed.  “I’ve known Johnny was gay.  I’ve known it for a long time.  He has this… this tenacity about him.  I don’t know, people just cling to him.  He has this way of… of… getting to people.  And when he believes in something, you know all about it because he’ll tell you exactly how he feels.”  Kel laughed and looked away.  “And he’s just got that air about him that well…  you would just consider it rude to mess it up.  Like the world shouldn’t be without him… just the way he is.” 

“You think the rapists would’ve considered it too rude to rape Johnny?”

Shaking his head out of his reverie, Kel looked back to Tim.  “What?  No…well, I don’t know if they had the decency to see that…”

“But, you do.”

“Yea, sure.  He’s too strong.  It either would’ve happened to him and he would just move on with his life like nothing happened or he would’ve flashed them the Gage Charm and walked away unscathed.”

“That’s interesting.”

“Yea, I know Doc, real interesting.”

“How do you feel about gay men?”

“What do you mean?  I don’t feel anything about it.  Johnny’s gay, I don’t care.  He’s still my friend.”

“Before you were raped, did you have feelings for Johnny?”

“Don’t go there Tim.  Seriously, I can’t… I can’t ever do that.”

“But, you’re not denying that there are definite feelings there?”

“Stop.”  Kel stood once again uncomfortable with the way things were unfolding.  “I can’t.”

“Kel, it’s important that you are aware of the source of those feelings toward Johnny.  I don’t want you to believe that since you were raped by a man, then you must be gay but, if you had feelings for Johnny before this happened, then you shouldn’t conceal that.  Be honest with yourself.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.   Johnny is your friend.  You didn’t think having a relationship with him was unnatural before this happened, why would you let a couple of assholes dictate what you believe now?”

“Because!  Because, I… I don’t think I can let…”

“Having a gay relationship is not just about penetration.”  Tim noticed Kel flinch at the word.  “You need to be honest with yourself and your emotions.  If your rape is causing you to prevent yourself from being happy, you continue to be the victim.”

Kel thought for a moment.  “Actually, that night … the night I was attacked, we were … sort of headed in that direction.  Just some innuendo and off-handed comments that could be taken either way.  No defining moments or anything.  I’ve thought about that night, once or twice since then, especially since I see him practically every day and he’s such a huge presence in my life.  I honestly don’t know how I would’ve survived.  Anyway, I’ve thought about it.”  Kel cocked his head thinking.  “When I allow those thoughts to roam, I think about what might’ve happened and inevitably I think about what would have progressed.  I just… that wouldn’t be fair to him.  I could never… NEVER… do that.  I can’t ever see myself wanting that.”

“No, not now.  You only see it in the eyes of the victim right now.  Take it slow.”

“The point is moot anyway.  Johnny is my friend.  That’s all.  He’s never… hit on me or anything.”

“Have you told him how you feel?”

“NO.  I… didn’t really… allow myself to think like that.”

“I understand.  But, it’s time, Kel.  Tell him how you feel.  He’s been very close to you and stuck with you through a huge battle.  I have the feeling he feels the same way.”

“If he does… have feelings for me… how is that… I mean, eventually we’ll have to get around to the sex issue and that’s a huge issue.”

“Kel, take it slow.  Very slow.  I think Johnny will be able to give you the room you need.  He has so far.  Let him make you feel like you are loved and cared for.  Take one day at a time.  People have completely healthy sex lives without penetrative sex.  I’m sure I don’t have to explain that.”

“I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t.”  Kel smiled a bit embarrassed. 

Tim smiled.  “Alright.  That should just about wrap this up.”   He gathered his notes and stood to show Kel out.

“Okay.  I guess I’ll see you next week then.”  He stood walking toward the door.

“Actually, I don’t think you’ll need to come in anymore.” 

“What?  Seriously?  Why?”

“You made the final step.  You admitted what you weren’t allowing yourself to see.  I think you’ll be fine now.  You’re not the victim anymore, Kel.  You’ve moved past it.”  Tim reached his hand out to shake Kel’s hand.  “If you feel the need to talk to me again, I’m here.  But I think you’re gonna be just fine.”

Kel shook the offered hand excitedly.  “Thanks, Doc.  I think you’re right.” 

 

Kel sat across the campfire from Johnny.  Wood crackled in the pit as Johnny poked at it with a stick while he sipped his coffee.  How Johnny could drink coffee all day long and still sleep at night was beyond Kel.  Years of practice, he supposed.  Johnny looked so ruggedly handsome in the plaid button-down shirt, a suede, camel-colored jacket and a tight pair of blue jeans.  He caught himself staring at the man again and shook himself out of it before Johnny saw him.  He had chickened out of telling Johnny about his feelings three times already this week.  He really needed to get this off of his chest or he would explode.

“Would you just tell me already?”  Johnny looked at Kel expectantly.

“What?”  Kel asked.

“You’ve been beating around some kinda bush since we left… well, actually for days now… just tell me what it is already.” 

“I have not.”

“Have too.”

“I haven’t.  I’ve been my usual self.  I’m not beating around any bushes.”

“Okay, suit yourself.”

“I will.”

“Yep.”

“Fine.”

“Yep, it’s just fine.  I mean, it’s been drivin’ you nuts for this long. How much longer could it possibly hold out?   Whatever it is, you’ll last longer than it will.”

“Shit.”

Johnny moved in closer, leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees. 

Kel sighed at the expectant look on Johnny’s face.  “Don’t do that, like you’re expecting me to tell you ghost stories or somethin’.”

“You’re not telling ghost stories?”

“Funny, Gage.  I can’t do it now.  There’s too much lead in.”

“Just tell me Kel.  I’ll understand the segue.”

Kel looked at Johnny waiting patiently.  He couldn’t find the words.

“Start off with a question then, if it’s that hard to say.”

“What?”

“I find that if there is something hard to bring up, I ask a question that has something to do with the subject at hand as kind of an icebreaker.”

“Oh, okay.  I can do that.”  Kel thought for a moment.  What kind of question could he ask that wasn’t giving away the entire plot?  “Are you dating anyone right now, Johnny?”

“Hmmm… interesting.  I could take that to mean that you want to talk about fixing me up with someone or that my blood work from my last physical came back with some… compromising bacteria…”

Kel smirked despite his frustration.  “Just answer the damn question.”

“No, you know I’m not dating right now.  I’d have told you that.”

“Why don’t you date?”

“Seriously?  This is really going to be about my love life?”

“Yes, and… hopefully… mine too?”

“Okay, all you’re doing is moshing that this is about me and sex and you… what do those things…”  Johnny caught the flushed look on Kel’s face illuminated by the fire.  “Oh.”  Realization hit him like a big clue bus head-on. 

“Don’t look at me like that.”

Johnny shook his head as if the trying to remove a bug perched on his nose.  “I’m not.  I… how am I looking at you?”

“Like your shocked, appalled, flummoxed.”

“Well, you definitely shocked me… and you might call me a bit flummoxed.  Appalled?  No, never.”

“Why are you shocked?”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I asked you first?”

“Fair enough.  I’m shocked because… I thought you might think of a relationship with me as a constant reminder of that day.”

“I have a relationship with you, Johnny and I don’t think that at all.”

“Good.  Well, I just mean… what I think you’re saying… it would be a different kind of relationship.  I wasn’t sure…”

“If I could think of myself in a gay relationship?”

“Yeah.”

“I know.  I wasn’t sure either, but I think that if we took this slowly and I mean reeeeaaallly slowly, I will… honestly, I have no idea what to expect.  I can’t promise that I will ever be able to have … that kind of sex with you.  I know I could work up to…”  Kel looked distinctly uncomfortable.  “Do we need to hammer out all the details right this second… I think we could move on, right?”

Johnny moved closer.  “Yeah, we can move on.”  He moved in even closer.  “Can I kiss you?” 

Kel gulped before squeaking a reply.  “Yes…”

Johnny grinned that insanely stupid grin that Kel adored and met Johnny half way.  Johnny raised a hand to the side of Kel’s face rubbing his thumb along his cheek bone.  His eyes saw moist lips before meeting Kel’s eyes once more.  It was tentative, careful.  Johnny waited until Kel opened and accepted Johnny’s tongue in his mouth.  The kiss deepened, confining the entire universe into two people. 

Eventually they moved apart.  Johnny could still feel Kel on his lips.  “Mmm…. That was… nice.”  Johnny said dreamily.

Kel didn’t mind the “nice” so much when it was said the way Johnny said it.  It was earth-shattering and he knew it. 

“You are an amazing man, Kelly Brackett.”

Kel pulled away to see Johnny more clearly.  “Why do you say that?”

Johnny began the list without hesitation.  “Your strength, your ability to see further than your limitations, your courage, your tenacious fire that keeps you going. Your heart.  Your solid presence and the way people love you.”  Johnny eyed him lasciviously.  “And you’re hot as hell.” 

Kel laughed.  “I know it’s not even fair of me to ask but, do you think you could start this knowing that… I mean, sex is important but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let you…”

“Hey, I don’t care about that.”

Kel looked at him like he just fell from Mars.

“Okay, yes, sex is important.  It’s just as important to you as it is to me.  The fact that you have an open mind about it is a step in the right direction.  I’m a patient man.  I can wait.  Actually, I’ve got my work cut out for me.  It’s my job to take this chance, this gift, and show you how much I cherish it.”

“Wow.”  Kel smirked.  “You are a sap.” 

Johnny laughed. 

“No, wait a minute.  Is that?  Yes, I think I hear ‘Islands In the Stream’ right now.” Kel grinned.

They both lost it. 

 

 

Johnny walked into his house at 8:30 that morning after working a long shift.  He knew Kel was working that day so he was surprised to see the man’s car in his driveway. 

“Kel!”  Johnny hollered once he’d let himself in.  He was absent mindedly thumbing through the mail as he spoke.  “I thought you had to work today.” 

“I switched.” 

Johnny looked up from his mail and did a double take as his lover was standing in the hallway with a black cowboy hat on and nothing else.   “Whoa.”

“No, not whoa.  More like giddyup.”

Johnny growled and came at him throwing his mail somewhere in the vicinity of out of his way.  “Well ride ‘em cowboy.”  Johnny wrapped his arms around Kel taking his mouth for a deep kiss.   Needing more skin, Johnny moved down to nip Kel’s neck, earlobe, clavicle.

“You have way too much clothing on.”  Kel ripped the shirt open sending buttons flying.

“That’s the third shirt you’ve ruined.”

“Three shirts a year isn’t bad.”  Kel found a spot on Johnny’s chest that needed to be touched, licked, bit. 

They made their way to the bedroom leaving Johnny’s clothes in a trail along the hall.  They fell down naked together on the bed. 

Johnny took Kel’s cock in his mouth and began sucking.  Kel threw his head backward hissing at the pleasure.  “God, you’re amazing at this.”  Too soon though he grabbed Johnny’s arm and lead him up for another kiss. 

Johnny savored the kiss and then moved to lie on his side in front of Kel, his back to Kel’s chest. 

“Johnny, I uh… I don’t want to do it that way.”  He sounded reticent.

“Okay, babe.   How do you want me?”  Johnny turned to face his lover.

“Listen, I… I have to do this now.  It’s been a year for us, 18 months since the attack.  I have to do this now before…”

“Kel, you don’t have to do anything.  If you’re not ready, then I’m not ready.  I like our sex just the way it is trust me.  I’m not hurting over here.”

“Just listen.  We’ve been together for long enough that it is time for the next step.”

“Kel, it’s not…”

“Just listen Johnny, I’m talking.”

Johnny sat back against a pillow to give Kel his full attention.  Kel leaned over his chest.  “I think the next step is moving in together.  I think we’ve progressed to that point.  I know I have and I don’t want you to answer that since I haven’t even asked the question so don’t go blabbing your mouth just yet.”  As if reading Johnny, the book, he watched as Johnny opened his mouth to speak and quickly shut it again.  “I won’t ask the question until I know I can do this.  I won’t sentence you to a life without the possibility of us ever being able to connect like that.”

Johnny let the silence linger.  “Should I talk yet?”

“It depends.”

“Depends on what?”

“If you’re going to say anything related to ‘Don’t worry about it, Kel, I’d be happy to dry hump you every single day for the rest of our lives as long as I get to love you.’ Then NO you can’t talk.”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“Then I won’t talk.”

“Johnny c’mon, you have to miss being able to sink in and fuck someone.  Don’t tell me it isn’t a big deal.  It’s a big deal.”

“I’m not going to lie to you.  I like to fuck but I also love to feel you lying next to me and I love that we’re together and something like this… this is not worth losing you over.  Not by a long shot.  We can do this when and only when you’re ready.  If you’re never ready for it or you just decide you really don’t want to, that’s fine with me.  If you decide at 92 that that’s the right time, I’ll wait until then,”  Johnny laughed.  “Well, I’ll give it my best shot anyway.  We don’t do it that way for any other reason.”  Johnny gave Kel a quick kiss.  “And we can move in together whenever you want.  I’m ready for that too.  But that has absolutely nothing to do with penetrative sex.”

Kel laid on top of Johnny taking in each inch of skin, sucking on his nipples, biting his neck.  Johnny took Kel’s face into his hands and brought him in for a deep penetrating kiss.  When they finally broke apart again Kel felt woozy.  “I’m ready now, Johnny.”

“Kel?”

“I’m ready Johnny.  I’ve thought about this and I really do want it.  I feel like this is one way that … that the rape holds me back.  I’m not gonna promise that this is going to play a regular part in our sex lives, but I have to … no, I want to try this, with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Never more so than I am now.”

Johnny smiled.  “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“Impossible.”  Johnny grabbed the lube off of the nightstand.  “Do you have a vision of how you would like this to go?  You’ve obviously given it some thought.”

“Yes,  I know from behind would be the easiest for me but I don’t think I could…”

“No, that’s out of the question.”

“I think I’d rather you were on top.”

“You got it.”  Johnny moved in gently, slowly, kissing until Kel was settled back into the pillows.  “You okay?”

“Yes, god yes.”  Kel breathed.

Johnny nipped and bit his way down sending shiver after shiver as he ghosted his way down his abdomen and pelvis.  He kissed just above the patch of fur, kneading Kel’s balls with his hand, rubbing underneath to caress the sensitive perineum.  “Would you like to come now or with me inside you?”

Kel knew there was talking coming from somewhere but he had no idea from where nor did he care to figure it out. 

“Babe?”

“Wha?”

“Do you want to come now or when I’m inside you?”

“Oh, uh… god, inside… god yes, inside.  Now, inside.”

“Don’t be impatient.  I’m getting there.”

“Please.”  Kel ached with need.  He felt something slick at his entrance and gasped. 

“Just me babe.  I gotcha.”  When he felt Kel relax and push against his hand, Johnny entered him with one finger.  “I gotcha.”  He continued to stretch the opening as he licked Kel’s balls.  With encouragement in the form of an incoherent, writhing Kel, Johnny took it upon himself to add another finger.

“Johnny… please… I can’t.  I need you... inside… now.”  He felt Johnny move upward and flinched when he felt his legs being hitched up on the sides of Johnny’s knees. 

“Kel, look at me.”

Again with the talking, concentrating here.

“Kel, open your eyes and look at me.”

Kel opened his eyes watching as Johnny couldn’t help but grin.  “What?”

Johnny shook his head.  “Nothing.   It’s just that you look like you’ve been sentenced for a beheading.”

They both laughed. 

Johnny kissed Kel’s forehead.  “Keep your eyes on me and just relax.  I’ll take care of you.  Promise.”

Kel complied meeting Johnny’s gaze, staring deeply into his eyes.  Johnny was leaned over far enough to be face to face within a couple inches of Kel.  He caught Kel’s legs on the outside of his and drew them up with a wide stance of his knees.  He didn’t lose eye contact as he added more lube to Kel and again to his own cock and then lined it up with Kel’s body. 

“You still with me, babe?”

Kel bit his lip and nodded not quite sure if he really did mean it.  Having that pressure there was odd, and he wasn’t sure if it just felt wrong or different.  Warring with himself was not going to help him right now.  He was ready.  He’d wanted this for a long time.  He let out a deep breath and visibly relaxed putting his complete trust in the man he loved. 

Johnny added more pressure, causing Kel to breathe in deeply.  “There ya go, just look at me.  I love you Kel.  I love you so much.”   Johnny felt the head of his cock pop inside.   Kel gasped and pushed against Johnny’s chest with the palm of his hand shaking his head.  “It’s okay.  Breathe, babe.  You’re okay.”  He pushed in until he was deeply seated.  “Keep looking at me, babe.  You’re okay.”

Finally Kel let out a breath. 

“Kel?”

“Oh my god!”

“You still with me, babe?  Talk to me.”

“Holy shit!  That was intense!”  He wriggled his hips trying to get into a more comfortable position.  He wasn’t use to sustaining a position so open and against gravity.  And having what felt like a two foot cock up his ass. 

Johnny saw Kel’s predicament and sat back grabbing Kel’s legs and putting them on his shoulders.  “Better?”

Kel nodded.

“If your back feels sore, put the palms of your hands under the top of your butt.  It takes the strain off.” 

Kel tested Johnny’s suggestion noting relief.  “Oh, that’s nice.”

Johnny gave a short jab.

Kel hissed and grabbed his own ass.  “Oh my god.  Wait.  Hold on.”

Johnny held still waiting for his partner to tell him what he needed.

“I can’t keep my hands here.”  He pulled them out and rested them on Johnny’s biceps.  “I have to be able to touch you.”

“Okay.”  Johnny waited patiently.  “You good?”

“Oh, yea, I’m good.  I think.  Wait.”  Kel laughed at Johnny’s infinite look of patience.  “I just wanted to see if you would.”

“You’re a dork.”  He pulled back and thrust in again.  “That okay?”

“Oh my god, yesss.  Johnny please, god yes.”  Kel rambled. 

Johnny continued thrusting minutely keeping up a steady pace.   At first he had been watching his partner for signs of panic but, now he couldn’t take his eyes off of him for other reasons.  He looked so sweaty and flushed and so ready to be taken.  “I’m gonna go deeper now okay, babe?”

“Go, do it.  Deeper, harder.  I’m not… ohjeezusfuckyes… not  gonna last long, Johnny.”

Johnny pulled back almost all the way out and thrust inside again sending Kel reeling.  Encouraged by Kel’s reaction, Johnny sped up thrusting in and almost all the way back out.  Again and again.

“God, yea.  Fuck me.”  Kel yelled.

“Don’t close your eyes.  Look at me when you come okay?”  Johnny grabbed Kel’s cock and stroked it in time with his thrusts.

It was hard to keep his eyes open so enveloped in rapture.  His instinct was to simply lay back and feel but he had heard his lover’s insistence and opened his eyes.  Johnny was just as ready as he was.  Kel already knew that look.  “Come with me.  Please.”

“I’m almost there, babe.”

“Oh god, I’m there.”

“Let me watch you come.  Look at me, Kel.”  Johnny thrust even harder as he felt Kel’s muscles tighten around his cock.  Johnny released his load inside as Kel’s come spewed from his cock, covering Johnny’s fingers.  He grasped it tightly milking every last drop as he milked his own spent cock thrusting inside of Kel.  

Johnny collapsed on top of Kel keeping his weight on his elbows.  “Holy shit.”

“I have to agree.”  Kel shifted his bottom, no longer comfortable to have Johnny there.

“Sorry.  It’s gonna be sore.  Take a breath.”  As soon as Kel took a deep breath, Johnny pulled out eliciting a hiss.  “You okay?”

“I’m okay.”  Kel sighed letting his legs fall straight as Johnny stood.  Dozing off into peaceful post-coital bliss, Kel flinched slightly when he felt a warm cloth cleaning his belly.  “Mmm… thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” 

Kel opened his eyes questioningly when he felt his knee being raised.  “Don’t babe.  I’m pretty sore down there.”

“I know.  I’m just cleaning you.”  Johnny kissed Kel’s lips and lingered a moment.  He pushed on the raised knee urging Kel to roll onto his side. 

“I can do it.”   Kel reached for the cloth. 

“Hey.”  Johnny said beseechingly.  “Let me.”

Kel sighed and rolled over allowing his lover to take care of him.  He felt gentle hands pull his cheeks apart and a warm cloth being rubbed against him.  Kel thought about the pain in his bottom and couldn’t help but compare it to what it felt like over a year ago.  Not nearly as bad, he thought.  No comparison. 

Johnny pulled the covers up as he lay on his side facing Kel.  “So?”

Kel smiled.  “Looking for your accolades?”

“Well… yea.”

“You were amazing.”

“You liked it?”

“Oh!  Yea, I most definitely liked it.  The heavens parted and the angels sang.  I liked it very, very much.”

Johnny laughed.  “Good, I’m glad.”

“So?”

“So, what?”

“You know what.”

“It’s your thing.  Do it right.” Johnny insisted.

Kel huffed but turned over to push the play button on the stereo.  “I’m just gonna need the right background music.”  Islands in the Stream began playing.

Johnny cocked his head concentrating on the familiar tune filling the room.  “Kel, you are a dork.”

Kel got up on his knees and took Johnny’s hand in his.  He waited to have Johnny’s attention before looking straight into his eyes.  Kel delivered his speech, dead pan.  “Johnny, it would be a great honor if you would do me the favor of considering me, and I hope you don’t find this too sappy, your full-time sex slave.”

Johnny grabbed his lover by the back of the neck and wrestled him down to the mattress once again.  “That’s it.  You had the chance.  You didn’t do it right.”  He reached over to beat on the stereo until it stopped playing the sappy song.  “My turn.”

“No.  You don’t get a turn.  This was my idea.”

“What was your idea?”

“Moving in together.”

“Was that a question?”  Johnny tangled his fingers in Kel’s hair. 

Kel sighed patiently.  “Johnny?  Would you… would you be my wife?”

Johnny knocked him backwards and straddled his chest laughing.  “You can’t do anything right.  That’s it!  You get no more turns.”

“No, wait.  I…”

Johnny half-heartedly clamped a hand over Kel’s mouth effectively ending his giddy repartee.  “Kel?  I love you.  I love coming home to you and waking up with you.  You are my first thought in the morning, all I dream about and my last thought before sleep.  You make me happy.  I would love it if we could move in together.”  He moved his hand off of a stunned Kel’s face.  Johnny flashed his lopsided grin at the effect he’d caused to his speechless lover.  “And that’s how you do it.  In case you’re interested.” 

Finally gaining the power of speech, Kel responded.  “That was … um,”  Kel was obviously flabbergasted by the sentiment of his lover.  “I… I would love to.”

Johnny pushed his legs straight behind him lowering himself into Kel’s arms.   “All kidding aside, you need to know that this… us moving in together, would’ve happened whether or not you would ever be able to let me penetrate you.  I love you for trusting me with that gift, but I would have loved you forever anyway.” 

They both fell into a deep embrace, kissing and holding one another. 

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written about a decade ago and I can see so many errors with pov. I changed some consistency errors in it before I reposted here, but I do apologize about the whiplash effect going from Brackett's pov to Johnny's. I'm not writing in this fandom anymore so I hope it's at least passable. Despite the errors, I really felt like this was one story I really wanted to post. I know it could've ended after the therapy session with Tim, but I kept pushing the envelope. I just love Johnny being a reassuring lover and showing how penetrative sex isn't the definition of a sexual relationship. Anyway, hope you liked it.


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